Sarevok9 (sarevok9) wrote,

As the sky tumbles.

Ya know, it's somewhat funny to me. Everything seems to be getting better for me, while simultaneously falling apart.

I had a minor fender...bender. Well wait. It really wasn't much in the way of bending. I hit at such a low speed that there wasn't so much as a dent in either car, HOWEVER, there was a little bit of traded paint and a tad of scratching... so there's that. A $400 deductible and a little paperwork, whatever.

Unemployment ran out, so now I'm on a tight rope with no net. I know this feeling. I've been here before... It's the polar opposite of fun.

My computer keeps having issues. It's either the video card or the motherboard... but it's being devilishly hard to pin down. I've swapped out my GTX780 for a spare R9 270x that I've been meaning to sell. Things are more stable but they still aren't great perfect. I'm not sure if I should attribute that to a bigger problem, or if I should go ahead and attribute that to bad luck. Who knows, who cares.

But there's bigger problems. I've historically found myself cheating in the past for a variety of reasons. Unhappiness, thrill, boredom, etc. The common thread between every time I ever cheated was the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Something about knowing that what I was doing was...I don't even know. There was just this sense of anticipation that made me excited, and invigorated. The other day I was in a situation like that. I could have cheated, but didn't... why? Because the butterflies are dead. I get no excitement. Not from sex. Not from anticipation. Not from cheating. Not from being loved or revered.

I started on Zoloft not long ago. I took precisely 1 pill, got bad dry mouth, then proceeded not to take them anymore... Maybe I should. I'm in a pretty deep depression and the list of things I "should do" are really starting to pile up. I should:

-Call back my therapist and make an appointment
-Clean my basement (living room / bedroom)
-Buy new linens for the bed
-Make out an invoice for work performed for clients this week
-Make updates to any of my websites, probably excel since it's so horribly outdated
-Take my zoloft
-Start to mend broken relationships (Blake is currently upset at me, and rightfully so).
-Figure out what's really wrong with my computer
-Figure out what's really wrong with me.
-Make a new gym playlist
-Actually go to the gym more often (been about 4-5 times this month... need to go a lot more than that...)
-Sell the backup video cards I have
-Replace the broken video card.
-Set up a budget / food plan to assume minimal income for the next few months.
-Find a "real" job.
-Find some new friends in my area so I stop being such a hermit.
-Play my guitar more.
-Follow through with things that I plan.
-Get out of the house more often.
-Do the rest of my laundry

But the fucked up thing is... I see a list like this. I know that all of these are good things to do... I know that I should totally do them. I should ABSOLUTELY get these things done. Most of them are basic, and wouldn't take much effort... but I feel swamped. I feel like I'm just being crushed by something bigger than me. All the time. I feel pressure and I can't seem to get away from it. I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of acting okay. I'm really not. But how do you tell anyone that.
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