Sarevok9 (sarevok9) wrote,

Is today the day?

I feel a hurt in my soul that I can't explain away with words, actions, or thoughts. I feel like I've put all my eggs in one basket then proceeded to kick the basket down some stairs. Everything is covered with the slimy contents of broken eggs. The only thoughts that come to mind when someone would see something like that are "useless", "disgusting", "awful", "horrible". Perhaps in describing the aforementioned mess I've done lots to describe myself; how I feel, and how I feel my life is going.

I have so little left for me aside from my integrity. I've never lied about anything of importance (well, except to an employer), which leads me to thinking; what has this gained me? What have I learned about being honest? That it sucks, that it's a waste of time, effort, and in the end you get fucked.

I don't have to look back very far into my past to learn that I'm just not that interesting, that I'm just not that captivating, and that I'm just not what anyone fucking needs.

Maybe I should remove myself from the equation and see if I get anyone's attention that way. I think my biggest fear would be that if it didn't. What if I killed myself and noone cared at all? What if noone even noticed? What if people were relieved?

I can sit here for hours and think about what the world would be like without me in it, but I can't help but thinking that the outcome would be a net gain for pretty much everyone.
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