Sarevok9 (sarevok9) wrote,
Sarevok9
sarevok9

...

Lost has changed. Not for the better.

I feel a strange mixture of being alive, and dead at the same time.

I can't stop listening to the song "Passive" by A Perfect Circile -- "Maybe you're better off this way" resonates with me.

I was just filling out a job application and I noticed how I've been dead in the water for the last 3 years, ever since I came back. I've been doing nothing. School. This is going nowhere. I feel like I'm suffocating, like life is literally choking the life from me, and every time I try to breath in it squeezes a little tighter. Like the little brittle fingers are wrapped around my throat and I'm too weak to pry them off.

I was sitting on the couch earlier today, a beautiful girl on my lap, and as she ran her hands through my hair I had a brief (2 seconds maybe) panic attack where my mind sort of daydreamed in vivid detail what would happen if she decided to jam her thumbs into my eye sockets and kill me right then and there. I could feel her nails tearing through the soft, gelatinous tissue of my inner eye. I hid my discomfort well. I feel like I can't tell people shit like this. What would they think if they knew I had these flashes. These moments of intense fear that manifest from nowhere?

I can feel myself slipping away, and some of the time I feel like I shouldn't even reach out to grasp and pull myself back. It would be so much easier to let myself die. To stop caring, to stop having ANY emotional connection to anyone, for any reason.... Because to die would be to stop feeling the way that I do now. To stop having that sickening bile feeling in my stomach while my head is spinning. An end to confusion, to pain, to the suffering that I continue to -endure....

I feel off tonight, like nothing matters. It would feel better to stop being here...
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