Sarevok9 (sarevok9) wrote,
Sarevok9
sarevok9

...

I figure I could stand to write while I'm having this moment of clarity.

I'm a bastard. Perhaps on more than one level, but before I continue I suppose I should cover that statement in a bit more depth.

I've been tormented for so long about so many things that I've forgotten that sometimes you need to stop thinking and look within yourself. I forgot the other half of that advice: "But if you can't find the answers within, then they'll come to you on their own." I've spent years caught in an endless feedback loop that has been damaging me and the people around me, because I was hurt a long time ago. I'm no better because of it, I'm no happier, and I'm certainly no smarter as a result.

I've come out knowing myself, and distrusting everyone else.

Even the people with the best of intentions get a sidelong glance from me now, and I wish I could shake that feeling that I have about everyone else.

But I know just what to say, words come to me from somewhere far away and they just form these beautiful, persuasive sentences. They don't necessarily reflect exactly how I feel, but they seem to accomplish my goals entirely too often.

That isn't the reason I'm a bastard though.

The reason I'm a bastard is that I don't understand where the power for these words comes from. For so long I've been externally strong, but collapsing in on myself. Yet my words move mountains in myself and others. I've been trying to help others lately, and I feel like it heals myself.

My words are still venomous to the people that I dislike, and my actions are still rife with barbs. But at the end of the day I realize that violence; verbal or physical, isn't going to solve the issues that I face. Winning every fight is far from important to me now.

For now, I want to learn. I want to better myself, and the people around me. We're all broken, and I don't seek to fix any of you, I only want to make you all understand that being broken is much more beautiful than the alternative.

At the end of the day, I think that I'm ready to change something big about my life, I'm still up in the air about what though.
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