In the past I've felt overwhelmed and my misery comes from being overwhelmed. I've felt alone, restless and unhappy with the seemingly endless quantity of work that I need to output; and the toll it takes on various friendships that I try to maintain.
But lately I've felt the need to do nothing at all. I feel like they say you do right before you drown, as your lungs are filled with water and you realize you are going to die. The fear subsides as you start to become delirious from exhaustion. Your last moments are of quiet acceptance, and tranquility.
I feel exhausted, and despite having more work to do; I don't care.
I have 2 weeks to effectively "learn" java. Don't get me wrong I know quite a bit because I have an implicit understanding of other Object oriented programming languages, so it all builds off that; but in the end it's still quite different. I have 1 week to negotiate with my other teacher about dropping her class because I am NOT going to miss dean's list because she's fucking psychotic about grading. I have 8 weeks of adv c++ homework to do, accounting due tonight and I work all day....
And frankly, I don't care. Not about any of it. Part of me wishes I could just be done with school entirely. I tire of feigning personal growth to further inflate the egos of my teachers. I am the same now as I have been throughout. Hell, I faked a problem with split infinitives and false parallelism in my freshman English comp. I class just to make it seem like I learned something by the end. It's fair to assert that I didn't learn too much.
At the end of the day though, I'm left wondering about my direction in life. Assuming that I pull off the challenges that face me this time I question whether or not I'll be any closer to any of my goals. It seems like without any type of satisfaction in my personal life, that I can't really be happy with my scholastic achievements.
My peers at school are useless, moronic, diluted fools that just go to school because it's 'what you're supposed to do.' But I suppose if that makes people moronic that I must be wearing an oversized drool cup. I'm in school mainly because I figure that when the chips fall it's pretty much necessary in the CS field. But I also know that I could probably just start writing programs and be in business tomorrow and making a profit by the years end if I REALLY wanted to.
But like usual I find myself being as water; traveling the path of least resistance. I am left wondering where all this leads.
Meanwhile; I feel myself struggling internally. I'm angry, upset, and unable to let go of something.
Perhaps I should sleep, it is 4:30am after all.
School, work, home, homework, sleep, rinse, repeat.