But the reason I went there is because my mom wanted to know what I wanted for Xmas... So I trudged over there, thinking about things that I could reasonably ask for.
When I was in there I realized that I really don't want anything... I'm pretty happy with what I have right now. I want a piano so I can start playing again. I want a guitar so I can practice more.... but in terms of reasonable items to ask someone for, I came up really blank. It was mildly depressing.
When I got home I had a message from this girl that I work with. Something about her word choice when writing emails to me has left me REALLY confused about if she's into me or not... Just what I needed; another riddle to unfold unfavorably.
But what I was thinking of earlier is a question that's been lingering in the back of my mind for a long time now. Even if I met the perfect person that had everything I wanted. Intellect, money, independence, wit, humor, beauty, and was amazing in bed... would I be able to be with her? I came back at a loss. I don't really think I could because of how used to being alone I am. When you spend your life growing up as an outsider and then suddenly you're in the spotlight, it feels wrong.
I grew up alone. There were fleeting moments where I felt like I meant something, but it wasn't until I was about 18 that it made sense to me. I finally started to gain back some confidence... I faked the rest. But then right when I was starting to become human again, I ended up in jail. And that really ripped the rug out from under me. I got out, looking and feeling better than I ever had before. But I came out changed. And I tried so hard when I was with Tanya; to make things work... to make her happy. But in the end my privacy and her lack of respect for it ruined things; and since then, I've been alone. Almost 4 years.
But I'm still not ready. I want to be, because I long and yearn for something that doesn't end as abruptly as it started... but I'm feeling like Jenn has worked her way out of my life, and I see the time clocks ticking above all the other relationships that I try to maintain with friends and lovers alike.
As a sidenote, I've never felt less Christmasy before. I have a final right before Xmas and it's my hardest class.... so it's like *UGH*.
I miss her.
But it doesn't much matter anymore, because even though I don't want her to be just a memory, I think that's what she'd prefer.