I feel like I've been abandoned again. I wake up clawing at myself, dreaming that this pain would just be something that wouldn't leave. Something that wouldn't lie, something that wouldn't cover up motives with thin veils of concern.
I dream of waking up with the light cascading in small pillars through closed curtains. Seeing tiny patches illuminated by the morning sun but feeling your warmth next to me in the darkness; but this time without the fear of touching you.
But, in the end, it's just a dream, and I'm left wallowing in my past; thinking about what it was to be alone, utterly alone. I keep flashing back to my brother and all the abuses that I suffered there. I want to go back to a time before when I understood all the ramifications of it. A time back before it mattered like it did now. A time back when I thought I was just born with issues, and didn't link one with the other.
I want to go back to a time when I could just let people walk away because I genuinely didn't care... but now even when I'm silently watching someone walk away, my heart is breaking. And the only thing I hate more than this feeling, is how much I hate myself for feeling it.
I feel like I'm totally without direction.... Like I don't have any reason to be in school, or to be happy... or to really feel accepted.
All I do now is count the days; the days left until you'll be back, so maybe I can feel like there isn't something missing.
The worst part of all this is that I know I'm a fool to hang on, but my knuckles are still white.