But it's strange, despite my school situation (more specifically my math situation), I should be happy... but I can't be. I have the affection of a few lovely ladies, I have the opportunities I've waited my whole life for looming on the horizon, and I have the luck that any gambler would give their life for...
But I'm miserable, and I've finally realized why. I am miserable because I am happy. This might seem a little counterintuitive, but I assure you that it's not. When I'm happy, I'm okay, but in the moments after it subsides, in the stillness that comes after a day where I feel fulfilled, I fear that I may never feel that way again. That I'll never be filled with emotions that overflow from my subconsciousness and paint my reality with a splash of color for a change. I fear that never again will I have the chance to smile broadly again. And I think of what my life will be like without you. I feel trapped, and my soul struggles against my consciousness as I try to escape this husk of where my dreams used to reside.
I've often found myself asking, what would it take for me to be happy, and tonight I learned that answer, it will take me knowing that I have a happiness that is tangible, and something that can embrace and surround me and keep me, no matter what I do, or who I am.
I suppose I'm writing this to remind myself that it won't be a who that fixes me, but a what. The what might include a who, but cannot rest solely on a person. After 25 years my life has started to resemble a revolving door. People come, people go; the memories remain. I think that's the worst of it. My mind has this way of removing myself from a number of the things that I've been through, forgetting about the arguments where I was wrong; where I was clearly at fault and only remembering the outcome. The loss of a friend.
Take for example Salay. There are probably countless notations of her in here; because for a time, she meant something to me. I knew that something happened between us, and it was bad, I just didn't recall what that something was. I talked with Kavitha and she reminded me of why Salay won't even talk to me... and I honestly don't blame her.
I seduced both Salay and Kavitha, best friends. Not because I wanted to per-say... but because it was what came to me at the time. Back then I was so insecure; so scared of being alone, so terrified of what it meant to be without someone... and I was clearly just using Kavitha to drive Salay to do something... and it worked, marvelously... until I moved.
When I moved I just totally broke contact with everyone, and I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone for a long while. What would I have said "Oh, I'm living with a gay dude that tries to molest me every chance he gets... No, it's cool, I'm going to keep living here because I have nowhere else to go and noone on the planet to turn to." I know that at the time I had my reasons, but I still know that I did wrong too. I suppose it was somewhere around the time when I was busy trying to fuck Salay that I should've been telling her that she wouldn't hear from me for a while.
But that's me, I fuck things up; often. I don't really want to, but it happens. Everything starts off as a plan, and sometimes my plans really work out; sometimes too well. Take for instance Jenn.
With Jenn, I didn't really have any intentions, until I laid eyes on her, and then I knew that I would kill for her affection; because she was just so different. When we first hung out we were both unavailable on a variety of levels...and acted that way... but somewhere along the line I feel like I influenced it, like I willed things to turn out this way; because at the end of the day, what could be more safe than keeping your mind on someone far away?
But there's still something about her that really calls out to me... When you're there in person, it's like she glows a little brighter than everyone else. Like she's cleaner, and more open than everyone else in the room. Even when she's not talking, she's saying so much... just a quiet understanding that forces you to feel comfortable... a hand running through my hair, and her soft voice..
But I feel like she's drifting away. I know that she's not, hell I know that if she is, it's because I'm smothering her. But then again, I do that.
I just don't really know what to do, or say, or feel..
And so once again, I feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. I wish something in my life would feel more than temporary....