Sarevok9 (sarevok9) wrote,

What is it?

To hurt, constantly?

For something, or everything to just not be enough.

I've spent my entire life being goal oriented... and never once did something come together as planned. I'm starting to learn it's not because the motions haven't been right, it's because of who I am as a person. I haven't felt happiness in a long time... and when I do it's.... fleeting.

I wish that there was some compromise, where I could give away who I am, and just for a moment be like everyone else. Wired so I could sleep, relax, or just feel comfortable in my own skin. Rather than sleeping a few hours a night, and feeling that lump in my throat like I'm experiencing ever moment of rejection I've ever felt, back to back.

Perhaps it's because of how I was raised, or who I was raised by. Perhaps it had more to do with the other factors involved, but all of that is just bullshit anyways, because it's not who's at fault, but the fact that I'm here now that's bothering me.

I've considered dropping out this semester. I really can't hack this math class. For the longest time I told myself that there was a certain beauty about numbers and how math integrates all the beauty of nature into the calculation of those numbers. But it's lost on me now... we're so far removed from real numbers that it's extremely rare to see a real number in an equation. It's almost entirely symbols now. The answers are scarcely about answering anything, and more about reducing to simplest forms, then deriving an answer based off of that. This isn't math, it's nitpicking.

I just don't know what to do... I can't sleep at night, I feel tired during my days, and I'm listless at best. I feel lonely even when I'm with people. Something's missing.

I wish there was an easy answer that didn't involve shooting myself in the foot.
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