Sarevok9 (sarevok9) wrote,
Sarevok9
sarevok9

Tuesday...

I am seriously starting to contemplate killing myself again...Once again a darkness in me has been growing, but this time it's a lot more intricate than before. I can feel it spreading and enveloping me... It comes with a hefty helping of failure (math test earlier, bombed it), hopelessness (Molly from my bio class blew me tonight), and a growing unhappiness with my circumstances...

I often wonder to myself exactly what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. What is it that I'm trying to gain or to prove?

I don't want to be me anymore, I don't want to be anyone. Perhaps that's why death is becoming so attractive. That way I don't have to be 'pretty' for anyone. I don't have to be looked at, or expected for anything anymore.

I'm so divided, I yearn for love and affection, but I hate the fact that I get it.

I wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up when I'm better.... I just fear that that will never happen.

I miss when things were easier...

And moreover, I'm going to miss her. Despite only hanging out with Jenn 3 times I really did feel something for her. It wasn't something that was going to turn into an AMAZING whirlwind love... but it was something that I don't have and I think I want. It was just so odd to have someone that would just sit and listen the way she did... it made me feel like someone actually gave a shit about me... like my words meant something, rather than how they are just an amalgamation of syllables that form something like a thought.

But now she's gone. Out of my life and out of my reach... for god knows how long.

What now?
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