I often wonder to myself exactly what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. What is it that I'm trying to gain or to prove?
I don't want to be me anymore, I don't want to be anyone. Perhaps that's why death is becoming so attractive. That way I don't have to be 'pretty' for anyone. I don't have to be looked at, or expected for anything anymore.
I'm so divided, I yearn for love and affection, but I hate the fact that I get it.
I wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up when I'm better.... I just fear that that will never happen.
I miss when things were easier...
And moreover, I'm going to miss her. Despite only hanging out with Jenn 3 times I really did feel something for her. It wasn't something that was going to turn into an AMAZING whirlwind love... but it was something that I don't have and I think I want. It was just so odd to have someone that would just sit and listen the way she did... it made me feel like someone actually gave a shit about me... like my words meant something, rather than how they are just an amalgamation of syllables that form something like a thought.
But now she's gone. Out of my life and out of my reach... for god knows how long.