I know that it's nothing new, but I'm really interested in someone. There's just so much history, red tape, and fucking personal conflicts involved that it's just never going to happen (See chapter 227 in the book of me giving myself to unavailable women.)
I met up with her in person about 3 weeks ago. We went out to Pizza night with Andy and Co (Tin, Gabby, Al, etc.) and everything was cool. We passed out at about 2am, I had a bumpin' headache, but overall, it was cool. She was gone when I woke up... I was a little afraid that I wouldn't see her again.
This last Wednesday (it's now early Sunday morning) she came back over. We watched Choke, then Machete later in the night. We went out for 99 cent pizzas again at Emma's, and as usual, it was a good time. We got back home, finished the movie, and then we sat on the couch, just talking. I'd been very divided on how to feel about her up until this point.
The line from Choke kept running through my head... over and over again. "I've kept myself numb for so long that now I actually want to feel something and I can't." And for some reason, with this girl I really want to feel something, and what's scary and odd, is that I can. I really can feel something. It's not a good something, but it's better than the endless sea of nothing that lead me to where I am now.
Anyways, we're sitting on the couch talking, and I tell her a bit about my horrid dating history (Sara, Tanya, etc.)and she is, as always, an attentive listener. I really have no idea where I stand with this girl at this point. I can see in her eyes that she's attracted to me, but I knew she was still on the mend from her previous relationship. I didn't want to make the first move.
My hands were shaky, my palms were sweaty, my heart was skipping more beats than DJ fetish dolly when she tries to spin a set. She put her legs across me as we sat on the couch... I rubbed her legs for a while... kept talking. She commented about how noone ever rubs her, how it's always the other way around.
I moved behind her and started to rub her shoulders shortly thereafter. I suggested that we go into my room and I'll rub her back... well we did just that.
We went into my room and she took off her long-sleeve shirt and I straddled her back, she was still wearing a tanktop, but it was pulled down from the top / up from the bottom... she's very modest with her body which I would find to be VERY toned.
Well... I rub her back, shoulders, arms, and even her legs before I get a little tired and lay down next to her. The time was about 1am at this point... I knew that she wanted to get on the road... but with my hand resting on her hip I just couldn't let her go yet... So we kept talking. My hand endlessly running laps from her hip to her ribs and back... which isn't too big of a distance, considering the size of my hands and the size of her body.
This carried on for what felt like (and actually was) hours. We were cuddling with eachother... something I normally dislike doing for this long with someone I've never even so much as kissed...We were facing eachother, nose-to-nose, her leg over mine, my leg in between hers... my hand on her side.... Her breath on my cheek. I didn't want those moments to end. I was millimeters from her lips, and I was so nervous about kissing her that I couldn't stand it.
Finally, at about 4:30am, I did it, I kissed her. Her lips were soft, smooth, better than expected even. She kisses like I do... which is a welcome retreat from the last few people I've kissed. There was no tongue at all for the first few kisses... But in time I pushed the envelope there too...
It felt so good, to just be in bed kissing her. Sex wasn't really in my mind at all. Just feeling wrapped up in her, and being so close to her was, well, awesome. This carried on until about 5:40am, when she finally convinced me to let her go. She tossed the shirt back on, and got ready to leave. I pulled her down onto my couch and kissed her a few more times... and then I just looked at her... felt her close to me, and really took everything in. I was really happy for those few hours... Really, truly, happy.
But now the sun has set on the time I spent with her. And I'm not totally sure if I'll ever see her again. She's moving to Utah this coming week... and I've been going crazy trying to see her one more time...
She keeps repeating "When I come back, you'll be one of the first people to know."
Maybe I put in more than she did on this one.
Fucking stupid me.