I have this tremendous sorrow that I just can't shake, or understand at all. It feels like someone is standing on my tear ducts. I feel this overwhelming wave of guilt when I think back to all the 'should have beens' and 'could have beens' that I've let slip over the past quarter of a century (suck my cock, I'm rounding).
Earlier on today, Pam asked me what I would do if she killed herself. Thank god I wasn't on Skype. Some people don't know what it's like to actually survive something. "Oh, my parents suck"; all parents do. My mom used to beat me... I recall getting hit with a towel rod, and a few moments later having a pencil jammed into the side of my head. Yeah, your parents sent you to your room... cry me a fucking river you goddamn silver spoon licking cunt.
I wish I could pass off the manifestations of my agony onto someone else for just a minute. Lately everything seems to be so hard. I think back to people I used to know. Rachel is getting married soon... Sam is happy in a relationship. Here I am; 3 years and change from when Tanya and I broke up; still single. What am I waiting for at this point? I know that the timing is all wrong; but for fucks sake...
My paranoia has been getting worse. I've been seeing things. Not really delusions; just... shadows. No voices, just shadows.
My past has been kicking my ass the past few weeks... I tell myself that things will be better soon. I just need to keep my grades up; keep working on getting a job; keep trying to be something to someone; keep biting back whatever it is that is trying to manifest itself in me; keep learning; keep doing anything... just don't listen to the inner monologue. Whatever you do, don't listen to that little voice inside you.
My pain is turning psychosomatic in nature. I get chills, twitch slightly... my memories are becoming more acidic as time goes on. They eat at me. The memories of all the people that were once close to me that I hurt are racing through my mind... I'm biting back tears, I'm biting back feeling...
I'm not sure if I want it to stop, or to be later, or to just be over.
I miss my past. I wish you'd all just love me.
"I'm drowning here; Please, anyone...
I don't think I can save myself." -- How to Destroy Angels- Drowning
int nAge = 24.82 // years
int nHeight = 176 // cm
int nNumber = 6634 // State approved id code
cout << "Damien is " << Damien.nAge << " Years old \n" << nHeight << " centimeters tall \n" << nNumber << " and is called by that number by his corporate overlords. Despite what he tells himself, he is not okay, he is not going to get better, this is not something he can talk his way out of.";
cout << endl;