It's lonely here. Not so much the here that I am presently in physically, but there here I am in mentally. Time is marching on...It's been well over 3 years since I was truly content. Maybe 4.
I have a problem. I am a sex addict... I am a nobody. Dreaming of someday becoming someone... but never quite making it there.
I find myself listening to Massive Attack on repeat a lot lately... staring at my ceiling. I wonder if it would be cold when I die. I really just want to sleep forever.
I have a stack of books that are sitting across from me... I am always in their presence. This gives me no solace. Not even remotely. I don't feel like I'm striving to be better, I feel like they are binding me to the ground... and that even though they are shackles of gold... they are still shackles.
I'm tired... I just want to sleep. I really want an excuse to be this way. Drugs, bad living situation... something. Being diddled as a little kid and having someone I cared about die seems so fucking trivial.
I've been losing weight.... probably because I haven't been eating hardly anything. I had pasta yesterday... it was the first solid food I'd had in 3 days...
Everything is faded, dull, distant. I miss my old life. I wish...
"I Just want to do something, that matters"