| New thought. |
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| 11:34am 28/11/2009 |
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As a species, we are bred into a life that is nothing more than an experiment. This experiment is ongoing. The basis of the experiment is as follows:
-The emotionally fragile are made to reproduce, and this trait of fragility is passed down through generations. As life and social interactions become more complex, the amount of stress levied on individuals increases exponentially.
-The burdens of responsibility are ramped up as you increase in age, slowly building to a point of 'independence'. An ironic use of words in this case; because, since the very moment of our birth we've been indoctrinated to believe that we are made incomplete and that we need someone else to help us survive the hard times.
-As time goes on, we are forced into conformity due to either peer pressure, or due to simply wanting to fit in. We take on the role of one of the characters in this well orchestrated play. We mingle, and do our best to fit in... We dream of a role as the alpha male or female. Most of us are simply doomed to obscurity.
-Those of us put under too much pressure snap, and kill others, or themselves. Those who kill others will spend the rest of their lives excluded from the experiment. Those who kill themselves are already spoken for.
*This experiment will run indefinitely, until a hard stop is found. |
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| I'm |
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| 06:32pm 25/11/2009 |
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Crying now, thinking about the life that I should've had. |
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| Everyone I know, goes away, in the end. |
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| 05:02pm 21/11/2009 |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go
"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. To focus on the pain, the only thing that's real"
It's been a long time that I've been meaning to sit down and write this. I knew that someday I would, even though I didn't want to.
I have trust issues... big, glaring trust issues. Most people don't know why, this is probably because I don't know why. I've spent so long, not knowing exactly who I am.
Early in my childhood, there was a certain sense of solidarity my brother and I had. We were against my mom and the abuses that we would so often suffer at her hands. I didn't have any real friends, and the two that I did make, moved 100, and 750 miles away respectively... in under a year. So the only person I really had in my life was my mom, and my brother.
When I was younger I had my dad in the picture, and I found some solace in that. I found comfort knowing that even though things didn't work between my mom and him, that he loved me enough to come see me. This theme of abandonment would repeat throughout my life...sometimes due to my own glaring faults. Other times for no discernible reason at all.
It was Spring, 1994. I don't recall the exact date, I was 8 years old. I was waiting outside on the little deadend road that I called home for my youth for my dad to show up and take my brother and I out, as he did every other Saturday. I'd go outside at about 8-8:30 Am and wait for him to show up... sometimes he would show up in a matter of minutes... sometimes closer to 10, or rarely around noon. This Saturday, he didn't show up at all. In the tree years since I moved there, that had only happened once. I had no phone number to reach him, and this was still years before the popularization of E-mail... So I ended up just telling myself it was a fluke... Each week after that for two months, I would bound out to my street, and I would pace up and down it... simply waiting for him to show up. That was 16, perhaps 17 years ago, depending on my recollection of things that long ago.... I haven't seen him since.
It was somewhere around the time when I turned 10, that things got even worse. My brother always had a temper... it was always shitty being younger, smaller, and just indefensible to him. I told myself that there was a bond between us, where even though he would be cruel to me at times, that I could rely on him. I was wrong. My brother, like my mom was always physically abusive to me... sometimes pushing me down stairs... other times punching, kicking, biting, or using various Tv- learned wrestling move on me. I don't think that the pain of being physically hurt was quite as bad to me as having nobody in the world that was safe. There wasn't a certain person I could turn to when I was scared. I didn't want to stay at home with my brother while my mom went to work... but what other option was there?
Then the sexual abuse started.
I was about 10 years old...and I can remember the first time, although I don't recall any of the other times with quite the same clarity. It was late at night, sometime around Christmas... my brother was in the shower and he called me to the bathroom from our room. I didn't know a thing about sex... I was 10. Well, he made me watch him as he masturbated....
Before the spring of the following year this had escalated, he was making me give him blowjobs, and always being lude.
I can't write anymore about that...
This carried on for years. Finally, I ended up moving in with my Aunt and Uncle. This whole time the single thing that got me through all this was the hope... no... the belief that if a single person in the world truly loved me, with every iota of their soul... that all my problems would simply melt away. It got me through even the worst nights.
Then I met her.
We were one another's everything. Our entire lives hinged on the other... a sort of bi-parasitic codependency that would be akin to 2 leeches sucking one another dry and loving every moment of it.
But I wasn't meant to be happy....
She left me as well.
I was shaken. The only thing that I had ever truly wanted was torn away from this life so prematurely. I hated myself again. I blamed myself constantly. I wanted to die. There was no question in my mind that this was a sign that I no longer needed to be alive.
I stopped eating, I stopped caring.... I'd walk into the road without looking, almost getting hit a few times. I told myself that I was a fool for letting things slip away...
I became cold. I didn't care... the molestation didn't matter when it started back up, the beatings from my mom didn't hurt the same way... nothing mattered. The entire world was painted in sepia. No matter what words I type, they will not describe how low I got during this time.
I couldn't trust men because of my brother, I couldn't trust women because of my mom, and I couldn't trust the promises made to me because of my father.
I try to wish away how damaged I am sometimes... I tell myself if I can just accept these things, that I'll be complete again... that I won't be damaged goods. But it never matters. No matter what I say to myself about things never, ever get easier. I've made a habit of pushing away people that care about me, and trusting people that I clearly shouldn't... so where does that leave me now?
Who knows. Who cares.
With every high, there is a low.
Edit: I'm reminded of what I wrote back before school started up:
I told myself long ago that my future would be bright, that I would outshine any star in the sky, and that the world would know my name. Years passed, and somewhere along the way the wind was let out of my sails.
Perhaps it's when my brother molested me, or when my dad ran away. Perhaps it was when my mom forgot about christmas when I was 15, or my birthday when I turned 16. Perhaps it was when we moved from my grandmothers house into that cramped apartment I called "home" for the next 12 years when I was 5. Perhaps it's when my mom got the restraining order against me... Perhaps it's how every little scar above, and all the other ones I didn't mention have marred me, and left me as what I am today.
I have no wind left in my sails, no words flow off my quill pen, and no sounds come from my voice box.
Everything is falling apart... this whole carefully constructed everything that has become my faberge egg-like psyche.
I suppose that it still applies. |
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| 09:21pm 19/07/2007 |
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Its time for me to stand up and shout,
its finally time for you to hear me out;
its time to start this revolution
its time to kill all this confusion.
Diving headfirst into another situation,
stimulating, simulated infatuation.
thats all i could get, the mood to write left me just as soon as it came, luckily i was near a computer this time. |
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| I fail |
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| 09:55am 07/06/2007 |
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again. and as always, good things have started to come to an end.
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| Isn't it amusing |
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| 01:18am 22/01/2007 |
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mood:  crappy
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That its 110am on a monday morning and i wanted to be asleep hours ago... and im not...
Isn't it amusing that im falling for someone i know nothing about. isn't it amusing that this same fucking thing happend almost EXACTLY a months ago with a totally different person... Isn't it fucking amusing that im still with the same fucking person as the past XX months.
Isn't it amusing that im the biggest fucking hippocrite ever
Isn't it amusing that im becoming everything that i hate
Isn't it amusing that i have no fucking standards anymore
Isn't it amusing that I've fallen this fucking far.
Isn't it amusing to think that they said I had a bright future
Isn't it amusing to think that your not ready
Isn't it amusing to have to wake up in 5 hours
Isn't it amusing to know that NOONE understands what your feeling this very moment
Isn't it amusing to know that the line "above the waves with my hands raised" has personal meaning to you
Isn't it just fucking hilarious that you promised never to forget me, but you fucking did anyways.
Isn't it just awesome that you can move on so nonchalantly... and totally forget.
Crystalline fire.
Vaporal Ice.
Solidified wind.
Sublimed Earth.
Caress me in your darkness. Hold me close to your pulsating bosom, I'm ready to leave this body behind.
Stare into my soul with blackened eyes and tell me what you've felt all along.
stop looking me over and just tell me that your fucking lying.
fuck off |
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| I want to breath fire: Fuck your views. |
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| 09:51pm 26/12/2006 |
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I'm really sick and tired of being wrong no matter where i turn.... so rather then learning to be what you want me to be, im doing the opposite.
I want to be everything that you hate, everything your against, everything you don't want your kids to be.... everything you don't want in your life, right in your fucking face.
I want to spit fire, sweat acid, and piss Xenon.
fuck your reality. |
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| 12:38am 15/12/2006 |
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Today i stare blindly off into the unknown....and wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Tonight i wonder if tommorrow my heart will sing
Frozen fire and blades of ice.
Forgot past, forgotten vice. |
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| A land of plenty, a land of desperation. |
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| 08:42am 11/12/2006 |
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Yesterday was a day like any other day, a day that began with me rolling out of bed and waking up, my destination yesterday was sunny cape cod. why cape cod? well, why not? I decided to take public transportation to cape cod, which is the norm for me since i will NOT be caught in the traffic of cape cod... But I digress.
The bus pulls off exit 6 (Barnstable) and hits the stop at the P&R there. We pull out of that driveway and head twords hyannis. Hyannis is sort of the capital of cape cod for those of you that don't know. We're driving along in the gentle rain, caught behind some granny who is doing about 15 or so when (i always sit in the back of the bus, im a cool kid, noone ever sits near me, etc.). As i look up the road i see an object of interest, its a man standing on the side of the road with a bicycle. On the back of his bicycle is a basket with a large yellow object that looked a lot like a tarp (maybe a sleeping bag). This gentleman had long scraggly white hair, and a beard that was similar, he was semi-fat. not to the point of obeisity or anything, just his build. What really breaks my heart about this whole story was the sign he was holding up.
In the movies depicting the 1970's you would always see people with signs, this was a man weilding just one of those signs. In immaculate handwriting the words 'Will work for Food' we're printed across a piece of stiff cardboard. His eyes were as dead as roadkill and as dark as coal. He was a walking corpse here in this land of the free. But I was on cape cod... The land where JFK vacationed, the single most wealthy island in the contingous united states... but yet this man was not only without money, and most likely a home.... but without food.
My day was well, what it was, somewhat unexpected, but good nonetheless....
I caught the 4:30p bus home... I was one of 3 people who were on this bus... 2 emo kids and myself to be exact. Both emo kids were dressed quite nicely, and i myself wearing my black leather trench, black jeans, and my red fullmetal alchemist shirt was far from shabby. Odds were against it but once we drove by the intersection where the police station is (right after the cape codder bed / breakfast is ) I saw this man again. I noticed it was raining a bit harder then it was the first time i had seen him, and he had clearly been outside all day. Judging by his facial expression today had not been a good day. After having just driven by the illuminated awe inspiring xmas light display at the cape codder, here is this wretch.... he seemed so out of place... so vulgar... so dirty. And then i recalled.
I was him once.
I heard the 2 emo kids joking 3 seats in front of me (at least one was a girl... i think the other one was a boy, but i base this only because of a prominant jawline, they were wearing almost identical outfits and they were both flatchested... so it was really hard to tell) at the expense of this poor disillusioned soul. Part of me wanted to leap over the seats that seperated me from these CHILDREN and ring their fucking necks... but instead i just thought of the meaning of hypocrisy and smiled to myself. These two CHILDREN whos who style of music defines their personality... yet this style of music speaks almost solely of being unloved and misunderstood...
I Promise each and every one of you that none of us understand what that man is, has, or will go through this winter except those of us who had lived through it before.
I wish you all a merry xmas. take some time and think about those who have nothing while you wish for more.
~Sarevok9~ |
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| I cant forget |
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| 12:03am 14/11/2006 |
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I cant forget what you've already forgotten. But all i remember is that i still want it.
last night i dreamed up the conecpt for a new book... the title is going to be '24 hours after death: the awakening' its going to be a story then if i can get it published there will be a prequel as well.
Silver tears falling slowly.
Don't look at me anymore.
Its ending now. Sooner then later.
You dont have to understand it, you never could.
I dont know where im going,
I dont know how im getting there,
All i know is that i need to.
So i walk away.
One foot in front of the other.
Walking against the divine wind.
Whiteout.
Cold.
Snow.
Swept silently from memory. once and for all. |
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| This time its for you |
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| 06:54am 05/11/2006 |
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This time its for you.
your never here so you'll never know...
I told you i never break a promise but it seems like im just a little bit too late
Call it bad luck, call it fate.
Tell me you haven't turned your back on me once again
and tell me that you'll always be my friend.
Tell me this and ill fill your hands with lies,
and shadows of half-truths, unseen by the naked eye.
You'll never even know that I feel this way
Even if you did, you'd never hear a word i have say.
forget next time and forget 'tough luck'
I'll forget what you meant to me and i don't give a fuck
Forget the nights of driving rain,
and forget my nights of ceaseless pain.
Taste my sorrow on you lips,
feel the scratch of my fingertips.
turn your back on me just one more time,
and never forget it was you who crossed the line.
Now theres no more knocking at my door,
endless silence forever more.
....
for some reason i cant finish that.... i dont know why. but thats how poems go. |
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| Have i given up on life or has it given up on me |
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| 11:23am 29/09/2006 |
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mood:  indescribable
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Its so funny seeing everyday life pass me by. I watch the hustle and bustle of everyone else and lightly exhale. I understand that i play some role or another in all of this but its hard to imagine where i actually fit in amongst all this. So rather then doing the smart thing... and looking for a job and forcing myself to be social... I just sit in my house. reclusive, watching my bills pile up.Ive applied a few places and its fair to say im not watching my phone ring yet. thats life though. Each passing day i start to realize that things aren't going exactly as I've planned... when you realize that your over 1/5th of a century old and your not good enough to get a job at X then you start to think that either everyone else who works at that shitty corperation may be better then you.with this kept in mind. i would like to give a big hats off to walmart / target / lukes liquors / cvs / walgreens for all being too good for me... grats to you guys....
Honestly though, what am i to say about all this.... How am i to maintain any shred of dignity.....I cant....
The worst part about all the is i see myself forgotten through the eyes of everyone else.... I log onto aim... to see my 'buddy list' its funny that its called that. I never talk to any of these people. I have them all seperated neatly into quite a few folders.... yet everyone is always away... out doing something. out with friends. talking on the phone with bf/gf, showering, sleeping....why do i bother keeping these people on my list at all.... because im not ready to let go of the last things i have left to think of as friends.... its sad thinking that with a mind as intricate as my own I haven't devised some plan or failsafe against being left all alone.
'and he would always get a slice of pecan pie with his coffee...I never really knew him, but even though I thought he hadn't showered in a month, or he hadn't ate anything good in weeks, i could still see longing in his eyes. . . '
' So doc, do you think he's gonna make it?'
"huh"
"do you think he's got what it takes?"
"what do you mean?"
"..."
For those of you that dont yet know i am writing a book. the lines above are not a part of that book, they are actually from the movie stay.... which makes me think. What would the last 3 days of my life be like if i knew i was going to die at the end of them no matter what? The thing that makes life the most interesting is that you never know when all the uncertainty will surmount into an event that will take your life.... amazing.... watching the life leave someone's eyes.... the last words "Im sorry.... your so beautiful....will you marry me"
Angelic Visage
Perfect countenance
forever in my mind, even though your body is lost.
"mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete..."
"mou ichido tsuyoku dakishimete..." |
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| And i cant complain |
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| 06:46am 24/09/2006 |
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Concrete desert.
It was incredible, back in the drivers seat once again, but in dead stop traffic.
My arms were sweaty and stuck to the leather of the seat, it was uncomfortable.
I did what every other person does when their in traffic. Swear my ass off about how people suck at driving. I finally get up to the fron of this line at about 11:45am, there is a fucking cow on the side of the road and 4 people milling about it, tying various things around its neck.
Im not too sure what happened, either it was sex with a cow in broad daylight, or the much more sensible some cow broke a fence and ran out into the highway and caused 2 hours of traffic.... god i hate life sometimes.
Its amazing to me that I still live in this country, then again i suppose it could be worse. I could live somewhere quiet
Like iraq.
Cherry blossoms and a divine wind. |
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| Am I normal? |
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| 11:28am 08/09/2006 |
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mood:  complacent
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Today i awoke to myself thinking again, midthought.... I'm not so sure about what though, all i remember is the irked feeling of 'who just distracted me, what was i thinking about?
Im missing you now just like I always do. and it sucks. |
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| Odd revelations revealed through tarot. |
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| 08:33pm 27/08/2006 |
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While having my cards read the other day, I noticed something that i found a little bit odd. Even the card readere couldn't get a good read on me. She read the person before me really well, and she did say a few things that made sense...
While shuffling the first deck I had one card flip. It landed facing away from me, and its one of about 7 cards i know. Odin, 'The hanged man'. Its meaning best described as the need for sacrifice... after that every card that was flipped was either a card of change/ending (death). The devil was on the table, heirophant, lots of swords / wands... its was a bad pull of cards but the reader said one thing that really struck a nerve.
'Your really closed off, Its almost like theres the you thats here, but your really not... And you did this not because you wanted to, but because you dont want to be hurt anymore."
its funny how this actually happened... In my days of revelations i started hurting myself so badly mentally that one night i decided i couldn't do it anymore... And i dont know how else to explain it except like this.... i was hurting myself so badly that one night i just decided that i couldn't let myself do it anymore. I cut myself off from my emotions. I dont let myself go through them anymore. Once the past is lived its over. I cannot learn from it, I cannot derive anymore meaning from it. I was too hurt from things too insignificant to let this side of me continue to exist... so i killed it.
hrmmm...so sad. |
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| Descisions. |
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| 06:21am 25/08/2006 |
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I guess before i start writing i should eat something......
Excellent...Im coming to the point in time in my life when i need to really start making some descisions about what i want vs what i need and *gasp* acting on the descisions....
I've come to a crossroad and im left wondering about what to do now.... do i follow the path of short term gratification? or do i take the long road to what could be succsess or to a similar poverty.
Life can be so confusing and cold. |
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| Why? |
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| 03:08am 24/08/2006 |
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Why do i always feel imprisoned by my thoughts. Why do my actions never reflect said thoughts?
*sigh* |
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| thinking again. |
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| 10:19am 16/08/2006 |
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Lately ive been thinking a lot about things and ive come up with something....
While my life has been worse then a lot of people i noticed that my life is not the worse one to be lived, there is no rainbow in my sky, however blackness hasn't enveloped my world either. Its astonishing to think that I had thought certain things were as hard as they were.
To be rather frank,I only had 2 things i had to survive.... jail was one... if you know me, you know the other. Its undeniable that some people lick the silver spoon. I never have, and i never expect to.
This post comes from accidentally finding my ex garland (yes the one who i took a ton of time defaming in mid '03). I realized that i was probably the one to blame for a lot of the shit that had happened between us. Maybe not so much leading to our breakup, but the way i handled the breakup (i.e. my spewing all kinds of shit that was better left unsaid), and the way things resolved.
I wrote her a apology via myspace, which isn't really like me, but hell, gotta make ammends before we can move on.... that AA's motto, though i dont drink, i find it easier to sleep at night knowing that if i were broken down on the side of the road, person x may not help me , but i wouldn't become a statistic about drive-by-shootings either.
I was thinking about her life. This relates to my first paragraph, and i'm not going to go into detail.... however, from what i knew about her, her life was far far harder then my own. And upon finding her myspace today i see that she is engaged and happy as can be. I realize that often times my judgements are right, but in this case, i was Dead wrong.
Amazingly enough though i think everything that she said about me was right, maybe except me being a poser. who wants to pose for something nobody cares about anyways? Hell i listen to music now that i can't even find using limewire....regardless....
i suppose that even in a lucid mind, things can get cloudy or maybe i have low expectations of people. I have been noticing lately that im very pretentious to people i dont know / like / am sick of.
what happens when one of those people is close to you?
~Sarevok9~
p.s. who the F%&* designed this laptop with the ~ on the f-key row? should you ever read this, i hope you get shot. |
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| What a night. |
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| 02:08am 13/08/2006 |
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It was odd at best. I was awake for all of it. Tj ditched me, which was an awesome surprise, and that left me fucked over, which was also, as stated. an awesome surprise...
I watched the sunrise at about 5:26 am, I was on a pretty big hill, actually it was a rock pile on top of a giant pile of dirt that some company that does.....god knows what they do.... stacked / whatever'd it about 100 feet up. I was about level with the treeline so i had a pretty amazing view. When i looked southeast there was a fog that was pretty increadible, it was thin and didn't hinder visability whatsoever, however it made the entire sky look like it was part of the ocean. One cloud that was very slow moving looked like a island, and the control tower for the planes looked like a lighthouse.... I found it odd that i was contrasting the sky to an ocean, but it was 5:30 and i was going nuts..... plain and simple...
theres honestly not too much more to write on in this post.... life is just that, im going broke rapidly.... But now I feel more rooted, I feel all around better.... I feel like things are going to turn around. |
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| Im losing sleep... ive lost count of sheep.... |
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| 08:39am 11/08/2006 |
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I honestly can't sleep... i slept from midnight to abour 4, if i didn't i would've most likely done something i regret, to myself, or to someone else. So i passed out. . . And I woke up at 4, tv on to another old episode of scryed..... I awoke ... fuzzy, and it was right back to the computer like i had never left it.... and ive been awake since.
*sigh* soon my cash supply / savings will run dry, then what?
what now?
'I exhaled and watched the steam flow forth from my mouth and understood that even in my surreal envirnoment that I was real, I stood amongst the frozen wreckage that was once the place i had called home, and for one last time turned my back onto it and walked away.. I won't forget, I wont forgive, and i will return, with all the fires of hell at my back and burning in my eyes, I will come for you, and your deliverence shall be by my hand. Unwavering, Steady, Cold." |
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| Mad world.. . read |
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| 04:58am 11/08/2006 |
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mood: depressed music: Gary Jules - Mad World
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All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
Today was one of the roughest days i've ever had, Ive felt like theres nothing anchoring me to the world and im ready just to fly off into space. I dont even want to keep going after today.... I woke up fighting, I went into work, a lot like every other day and I came home much different. This time i came home suspended; pending criminal investigation. I dont ask questions, I could care less anymore. I just expected my day to get worse and worse.
then i talked to E over at MM (store in the mall). I talked to her for about 2 solid hours about life..... and whats sad is how well we relate, despite being born about 3000 miles from eachother... being raised in a different geographic area, and being 2 genuinely different people. We talked in her work then i talked to her for an hour after she got out of work about everything...She didn't exactly calm me down, but she helped me unscramble things.... I am more lucid now then i was then..... So i came home to more fighting, more yelling, more guilt tripping, just more of the same.....
A Person calls The place they call solace and rest their home, in that regard, I'm 110% homeless. I may have never had a home.
Going nowhere.... going nowhere......
No tomorrow... no tomorrow. |
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| Ummmmm |
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| 06:53am 10/08/2006 |
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mood:  drained
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Just when i thought the lights had dimmed you stepped into the spotlight, and the next thing i know i cant get you off my mind. Whats right, whats wrong, and does it even matter anymore
*sigh* right when i thought my breath had returned to me, the frosty air has reentered my lungs and reminded me the pain of being alive.... and in this pain I have found solace.... Peace of mind. I have found what i sought in you, and from that i have found what i needed in me. The cold air rushes around me, a tempest..albiet a whirlwind or confusion and icy debris, whipping around violently... but this is my debris.. and you are welcome here... in my chaos... in my mind.
Signed;
DamIen J Bell. |
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| 09:43am 18/07/2006 |
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tonight you sent my heart all aflutter again, fuck, after all this time.
~~~ |
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| another day |
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| 08:38am 23/06/2006 |
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Today ive stopped caring about my formating this, and my spelling / punctuation as well... theres just this point that you get to where you realize that the world has no place for you. Maybe i dont have it all figured out yet, and fuck maybe i never will. But at present the way i see life is like this.
1. We spend our entire childhood being told not to worry about our status / crowd and being told that we must be as good / better than our parents... thus creating the problem of who to fit in with, and this social interaction proves too much for some.
2. to gain "true" status you must be either infamous or famous. one way or the other you have at present a 1/100,000,000 chance of being someone both nameworthy and remember after your death in this day and age. So your best bet in being remembered is being infamous. Everyone can name more bad people then good. Turn on the evening news if you cannot.
3. Humans are built around a socioty that is loosely based on the approval / debuffing of others. and to climb in the social heirarchy means you crush those beneath you to escalate yourself to yet the next "rung" in the social ladder.
i.e. How many times have you seen someone backstabbed for; what say, a promotion at work?
Better yet when was the last time you went out and walked into a 5 star restaurante without a reservation and got greeted nicely? the answer if you are reading this blog is "never". You will never have any kind of notable V.I.P. status, which begs the point why carry on if you have no legacy? to spawn another offspring who may and or may not continue the assininity of this cycle...
I feel as though there can be no god not because I believe in science but because
1. What person has a level of vanity to create a race just to worship him.... it seems quite silly.
2. if there was a god why wouldn't he give us a purpose and an ultimate goal in our travels?
Where is mankind headed... im not sure. but god i dont want to be there when we arrive.
~snine~ |
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| What the...? |
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| 12:06am 14/05/2006 |
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Sorry about my once again amazing lack of updates. After getting my second job i've had little time to breathe, let alone live / sleep. Life still drags on. Im off of parole now. which is most likely for the best. never again do i want to have the permission to leave the state taken away.
Anyways today was awesome, Krista quit, brian, Jim, and robin all had their last day and i cut my availability effective today. Darryl is short about 120 hours on next weeks schedule. he's fucked.
Im not the type to readily enjoy someones misery like this, I'd figured i had transcended this a long time ago, but maybe not. I love when people are miserable but only because of their reaping what they've sewn. too late to get onto aim. Love ya everyone. |
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| fuck it. |
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| 12:36am 13/04/2006 |
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God i hate being me sometimes.... now is one of them.
~Dami3n~ |
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| holy shit: the ultimate revelation may get me killed. |
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| 05:52am 23/03/2006 |
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The world is a cold and evil place but this is fucked up.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8260059923762628848&q=loose+change
from watching this for a few minutes we understand a few things...
1. supposing that pre 9-11 puts on AA and boeing were made from the govt, when they lost 50% supposing they were 50$/share they'd make about 3 billion dollars.
2. Haliburton has taken over 40 million dollars in unrealized losses in iraq. on "unknown losses of services".
3. all the jets we're planted..... god this is truly fucked....
definatly watch this shit. its the most fucked thing i've ever seen in my life. |
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| could you would you ever love me? |
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| 08:05am 19/03/2006 |
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mood:  quixotic music: Final Fantasy Advent Children Battle Theme!
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these questions i ask myself when i should be asleep
quietly dreaming of love and sheep
Gently i lay and close my eyes,
creeping darkness paralyze.
Forgotten sadness crept back in
Forgotten days forgotten sins
Forgotten agony and forgotten tears
I forgot about you, and its been years.
I forgot your smile and i forgot your tone,
i forgot the way you'd pull my hair, i forgot how you moaned.
I forgot the curve of you body, i forgot the way you smelled.
The only thing i wanted to remember is that you put me through hell.
For all the things i never knew and all the things i'd missed
maybe i could've better understood you had I not gone amiss.
The blood satined the sheets, days had already gone by
How could this have happened. the life had left your eyes.
A squeeze of a trigger and a violent burst.
So much for your lies; and so much for my being coerced.
I've forgotten everything now, all thats left is your name.
that gun was your narcotic. it took away your pain.
~Damien~
time elapsed 9 min. 805a sunday |
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| Once upon a dream. |
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| 04:02pm 13/03/2006 |
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why is it that when you have like 10 spare minutes and want to write everything in the world runs the complete opposite way? fuck.
nothing much is new in my life, which is no big surprise to anyone, i banged ni yesterday... alarm didn't go off sorta shit... im getting it from adam i think.
I kind of want to be on cape cod right now.... the funny thing is, is that i kind of miss the CONSTANT breakneck pace that everything changed with... oddly enough i found it to be really fun.
I have NOTHING to write about..... someone aim me and piss me the hell off or something.
Rock on.
~s9~ |
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| why why why.... |
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| 03:47am 11/03/2006 |
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mood: numb music: Jack Off Jill - Fear of Dying (1)
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in life everyone hurts, a lot. everyone harbors these regrets that they can't surmount, or get by. think briefly about the thing you regret the most in life, all the pain its caused you and whether or not you were at fault for it. We've all been taught from birth that when something goes wrong it is most likely our own fault that it does so, but we're never taught how to move on. most likely because our parents never learned either. We're a generation raised by people who were never raised. A generation of people raised by computers and video games and tv's. a generation taught how to do things not by the ones who raise us but rather everyone else. In life my mother has taught me nothing other than emotional instability and how not to deal with things. Don't get me wrong I love my mother dearly (though we've had our moments), but as for teaching me valuable life lessons she's never come through there.
the more i look around the more i see that there are lots of people who have the same problems. The reason our society is so far off is simple. everyone has a PLAN. we're taught to set goals and to surmount any obstacles. the obstacles may be people or groups or family. we're torn asunder from the people that we love to find our own success. At the end of this self destruction when our hunt for enlightenment ends and we're finally at the top of our tower of material goods and even fame and prestige, what do we really have. If you have money you'll always have friends, but truthfully if you were to lose everything that made you the way you are, who would help you pick up all the pieces that made you who you are? nobody, because they only want to take all the pieces and take over where you left off.
All human nature is based off of greed and jealousy any decision can be traced back to some self serving thought. for example. If an old lady we're trapped in a burning building and was disabled and lived off of welfare a random citizen would be very unlikely to brave the flames to save her life, however same situation if she ran a fortune 500 company, or if she was an heir to a fortune... then its a different story, shit, i'd be the first one in.
Theres a lot of things that are changing in my life that i'm not sure where they will lead but i'm very interested in the path that i'm walking....
they say that One who breaks something to find out what it really is has truly left the path of knowledge.
and just so i don't forget again 
reimann zeta function able to have multiple vars passed through where f=0
anyways , if anyone wants to talk i'm very bored lately... i'm an overstimulated kid in an under stimulating era... ah to be born 100 years from now.
Oh and fuck your spelling.
~Dami3n~ |
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| when the rain begins to fall |
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| 07:52am 09/03/2006 |
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mood: numb music: Dj Fritzy ( Happy Hardcore Rave Techno Trance FUCKIN BANGIN!! ) - Dj Fritzy - 74 75 Is On A Fuckin M
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before i begin, by popular demand i will be spell checking this before i post it because the know a few different languages messes up the spelling of all of them.
Okay then, not much has changed, work is intolerable, per the usual... it seems that the only way for darryl to get demoted is to be killed or have jesus come down and land on brian devines(fuck your apostrophe) desk. The focal yellow tang / raccoon butterfly is having issues (suspected additive in the water turning it green). thus far darryl has done well in not killing EVERYTHING in the tank, the problem is that he has however managed to kill all but 1 tang and 1 butterfly (and i cant say for sure about the live rock.) But while on the topic of work, There may be a spot of light on the horizon, there is a new overnite manager (team lead that brian referred and knew from another pet store... supposedly she's good shit and a complete perv, yay someone to share awful stories with.
for those of you who read this every blue moon(thats about how often i update)expect me to start updating more often (by summer i should be at once every 3-4 days or more).
yahoo chess is eating my face... no font changes this entry lately has been the calm before the storm. . . maybe something will happen soon. |
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| I'll escape into my world of pretend |
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| 05:46pm 14/02/2006 |
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Today i think i had some sort of a breakdown, im not sure wether it was panic anxiety depression or all of the above.... i wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I woke up at noon to find that my wowbot stopped working, big deal. i tooled around on wow for a while then ate some pop-tarts. Tanya woke up and wanted sex, i didn't (oddly enough) and i realized that i haven't wanted sex at all lately. Not even head.. but sadly I casted myself a mold as a cheuvanistic guy who only cares about sex and the like (its easy to impress people when they think your as shallow as a puddle in a desert.
Off note i think im getting tendonitis in my left wrist.... it realllllly fucking hurts.
in any case i wanted to die earlier... not so much die as just curl up into a ball and wait for everyone to forget i existed so i could be free of all my obligations, financial, educational, sociotal, etc. Ive built myself a rep that i cannot uphold forever , i have too much to learn and not enough time to ever intake the amount that i want to know.
Have you ever embarked on a project so massive that beginning it is the most difficult part?
A project that is seemingly endless (like stephen king wrote about in his first dark tower novels author's note.)
that is where i am... there is no simple proverb that makes it easier , no "every journey starts with the first step crap applies here. my mind wants to go 9 different directions at once but my body is limited to only understand certain types of imput, and sadly osmose is not one of those forms.
the other day i saw a really hot girl walking in the mall and i got a odd thought when i thought the usual "i'd like to fuck her" respone from my brain, some other part of my brain sent the response (as best as i can interpret it) "...; but how many times would you need to fuck her before you found happiness?" The realization that sex is another thing i use as a retreat from reality creeped in. I realize now that im no better than my brother was when he fell onto the bottle when his fiance left him, for my mom for drinking / smoking / doing drugs. Im running , god only knows from what. I thought i completed all the self - realization / actualization tests i could endure. I know who i am, how i act, why i act that way, and i dont care to change it. but in some darkened corner (that i think exists in all of us), there is something that im deathly afraid of.... something i could never confront.
I feel violent... I listen to a song called "hell scaper" whenever i feel violent either that or venetian snares, both make me want to kill something and think of terrible things (don't ask because it would sicken you). I feel offset; like there is nowhere i belong and nowhere i can go to be alone, ever. I feel trapped; not by anything / anyone, just like i want to run , but theres nowhere to go if i wanted to.
Rise- gits
Save your tears
for the day
when the pain is far behind
on your knees
come with me
we are so far from paradise
save your fears
take your place
prepare for judgement day
ask if we....
follow me
as we make the sacrifice
....we rise above.
O.K. computer.
-=[Sarevok9]=- |
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| 11:38am 30/01/2006 |
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I hate trying to sum something im about to write up with a subject before i write it. the best writing is always spontaneus and off the top of the head.
Last night I confided some of my early life stories in Tanya. She couldn't relate, but she did her best to understand what i was trying to get across. When i tell stories while speaking i purposly try to paint a vivid description of the surroundings but i am extremly vague about other things, i fail (purposly) to use pronouns, and i start to drop adjectives so the mind can fill in the blanks, even if thats not what happened. it gives the listener a reason to keep listening. as was the case last night.
God i hate being intelligent.
today is my day off... and all i want to do is sleep.
my job has some unrealistic expectations of me.
Last night i took break at 8:30-9p (shift ends at 10 (ya,right) ) from 9-10 i was supposed to. Do iso/adoption (with animal counts), all store trash, sweep the front, vacuum the foyer, and face dog toys!!! are you fucking insane, iso/adoption is like an hour in and of itself the animal counts are another 15. facing dog toys is between 15-20 min if its rushed... you can spend upwards of 3 hours in those 3 aisles if you really make it spotless. vac/sweep is about 15 min. how the hell could i do well over 2 hours work in 1 hour. simple, lie about it.
I hope she gets fucked for it. |
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| The strangling silence. |
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| 02:45am 28/01/2006 |
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I could stare at my screen forever and the words that are cascading, albiet dancing about in my mind would refuse to appear on this screen in the order i want them to so hear is my feeble attempt.
My eyes cannot see anymore. They have taken in all they can stand of this world, allow me to elaborate. Recently, I have been noticing the true nature of the things that govern everyone. Greed, Sloth and Lust. I see nothing other then back-biting, nepitism, sadness. . . people stuck, stagnant, running in place. Why can't anyone see that in life its not where you end up, its not about who you marry; what they drive, what they look like. Whats important is making sure you can wake up in the morning and say "i love my life".
I awake every morning wishing i could die. Its been this way for as long as i can remember. I greet the sunshine wishing i could be asleep, wishing that i could be a normal person who can work a normal schedule, who can sleep for 8 maybe more lazy hours a night.
When i close my eyes, I see animals, i see people; I hear children crying; dogs barking; I see a chinchilla with ringworm, I see a chinchilla in a cage being beaten for 11 hours by 4 other chinchillas without anyone doing anything. I see a fog; a haze, im alone, utterly alone.
If right now you got pulled from your body and you had to watch yourself from a spectators view for the rest of time, would you have wished you'd done things differently? said things to people you never talked to, read more books? painted a self portrait? watched a sunrise, learned how do properly execute a scandenavian whip, or a pylon turn; would you wish that you had made love more, rather than having all the useless sex you could handle. Would you wish that you could have held all the people who you would have to watch die closer to you? someday it will all cometogather for me, and ill be able to paint this picture with my words... but until then this is all i can give you.
Why do we wake up in the morning? To go to school. why? so we can get a better job (or attain one at all), and become educated enough to keep the species alive. after school maybe you'll go to college... maybe you'll be an accountant. then what after that. your 25 and working for 90k a year... what you've been waiting your whole life for... maybe you'll meet someone you care about... but what then? are you happy or just doing whats expected of you? why is it that .....i lost it.
there is more of whatever this it is in this convo i had with my "sister" feel free to read my exposure.
[01:44] ethernicweb: talk to me sweetie.
[01:44] dutchess213: hi
[01:45] ethernicweb: im having a bad day.
[01:45] dutchess213: i'm having a bad week
[01:45] dutchess213: i'm sorry... who is this?
[01:46] ethernicweb: DamIen
[01:47] dutchess213: that's what i thought but i wasn't sure
[01:47] ethernicweb: ya, why are you on so late?
[01:47] dutchess213: can't sleep
[01:47] dutchess213: and i've got nothing better to do
[01:47] ethernicweb: i see.
[01:47] dutchess213: u?
[01:48] ethernicweb: read the last 2 entries in my lj, im writing another one now but its a more crazy / depressed one.
[01:48] ethernicweb: http://www.livejournal.com/users/sarevok9
[01:51] dutchess213: u need a girlfriend :-)
[01:52] ethernicweb: I have one.
[01:52] dutchess213: ok so you need 2
[01:52] ethernicweb: i need every girl in the world to love me but it would never be enough.
[01:53] dutchess213: you don't need every girl you just need the right one
[01:53] ethernicweb: the one i have now is the right one... im just wrong.
[01:53] dutchess213: no you're not and don't say that!!!
[01:54] dutchess213: there's nothing wrong with you, you just haven't found your place in life yet
[01:54] dutchess213: you haven't found what makes you happy or where you belong but someday you will, you just have to give it time
[01:55] ethernicweb: the last paragraph i wrote in my personal online journal.
[01:55] ethernicweb: When i close my eyes, I see animals, i see people; I hear children crying; dogs barking; I see a chinchilla with ringworm, I see a chinchilla in a cage being beaten for 11 hours by 4 other chinchillas without anyone doing anything. I see a fog; a haze
[01:56] dutchess213: if you put your mind to it you could be an AMAZING writer
[01:56] dutchess213: you could write a book out our little adventure
[01:57] ethernicweb: probably...
[01:57] ethernicweb: want to reada thee whole entry i wrote?
[01:57] dutchess213: i've got a lot of faith in you and i think you'll be ok
[01:57] dutchess213: sure
[01:58] ethernicweb: i know ill survive... but i want to live.... i want to get the fuck out of mass and i want to have a life where I can do shit without being watched..... grrrrr
[01:58] ethernicweb: I could stare at my screen forever and the words that are cascading, albiet dancing about in my mind would refuse to appear on this screen in the order i want them to so hear is my feeble attempt.
My eyes cannot see anymore. They have taken in all they can stand of this world, allow me to elaborate. Recently, I have been noticing the true nature of the things that govern everyone. Greed, Sloth and Lust. I see nothing other then back-biting, nepitism, sadness. . . people stuck, stagnant, running in place. Why can't anyone see that in life its not where you end up, its not about who you marry; what they drive, what they look like. Whats important is making sure you can wake up in the morning and say "i love my life".
I awake every morning wishing i could die. Its been this way for as long as i can remember. I greet the sunshine wishing i could be asleep, wishing that i could be a normal person who can work a normal schedule, who can sleep for 8 maybe more lazy hours a night.
When i close my eyes, I see animals, i see people; I hear children crying; dogs barking; I see a chinchilla with ringworm, I see a chinchilla in a cage being beaten for 11 hours by 4 other chinchillas without anyone doing anything. I see a fog; a haze, im alone, utterly alone
[02:00] dutchess213: there's a lot of truth in that but... i can remember a few day at least were things weren't so bad
[02:01] ethernicweb: I work at a pet store..... animals reflect human emotions, like it or not you can only filter out so much of it.
[02:01] dutchess213: and again i REALLY think you should be a write you're amazing
[02:01] ethernicweb: I would but its not my path in life.
[02:01] dutchess213: how do you know that
[02:02] ethernicweb: When i lie down at night i stare at my girlfriends ceiling for hours and think about life in genral.
[02:02] dutchess213: how does anyone know who they're ment to be or what they're ment to do?
[02:02] ethernicweb: i realize at about noon that i need to work in a few hours.
[02:03] ethernicweb: I cant close my eyes, im afraid of what ill dream of. I cant afford to see a doctor, work cancelled my insurance back in august....
[02:04] dutchess213: i know how you feel.. trust me after years of being misrable i've found ways just to block it out...
[02:04] ethernicweb: BUT IS THAT LIVING?!
[02:04] dutchess213: yes it is
[02:05] dutchess213: it's what every humanbeing does hun
[02:05] dutchess213: learning to deal.. it just anyother part of life
[02:05] ethernicweb: NO ITS NOT, ITS RUNNING AWAY. I'm Broken and ill never be right; and i know and accept that. but im not going to climb onto some charriot of acceptance and pretend im "OK"
[02:07] ethernicweb: I have a question for you, will you promise to answer as best you can and be honest with yourself?
[02:08] ethernicweb: will you do your best not be angry with me?
[02:08] dutchess213: you don't understand... i'm not telling yoo to pretend to be ok... i'm telling you that not everything you think is so bad really is.. i've had a horrible life too and yes i am happy now because i fought to make myself happy and i didn't let the bullshit bad things bother me, i just let them pass right now by. I dealt with them and i ignored them. You just can't let things get to you they way you do
[02:08] dutchess213: sure
[02:08] ethernicweb: Is love passing or eternal?
[02:09] dutchess213: love isn't either..
[02:09] ethernicweb: not in a existential sense.... in a emotional senses...
[02:09] ethernicweb: sense rather.
[02:09] dutchess213: it's what you make of it
[02:09] dutchess213: it's what you heart tells you
[02:10] dutchess213: you can love someone for a few day or your whole life
[02:10] dutchess213: there's also so many different types of love...
[02:10] ethernicweb: isn't love wanting to dedicate yourself to someone so completely that your willing to forsake all others if need be?
[02:11] dutchess213: no
[02:11] ethernicweb: i mean love.... what adam and you had, what you and jon have.... relationship, deep, love.
[02:11] dutchess213: and again no...
[02:11] ethernicweb: understanding another person completely.... trusting them, allowing them to know you.
[02:12] dutchess213: that's more like it
[02:12] ethernicweb: what is it when that ends?
[02:12] ethernicweb: is it still love?
[02:12] dutchess213: yes it can be
[02:12] dutchess213: it's also respect
[02:12] dutchess213: and caring
[02:12] ethernicweb: Why can't i stop thinking i love people who i haven't seen in years. people who have forgotten all about me.
[02:13] ethernicweb: people who can't see the tears well up in my eyes and stain my crimson pillows late at night.
[02:13] dutchess213: because you don't want to let go... it's a comfertable feeling that's ok to hold on to
[02:14] ethernicweb: how do you deal with it..... right now what do you think lindsy is doing?
[02:14] dutchess213: there's one thing i do know... there's no point in living if you can't love and you should love as many ppl and as often as you can
[02:14] dutchess213: lindsey?
[02:14] ethernicweb: yep.
[02:14] ethernicweb: titsy.
[02:14] dutchess213: like my lindsey?
[02:14] ethernicweb: yep.
[02:14] ethernicweb: right this very moment.
[02:14] dutchess213: you love lindsey?
[02:15] dutchess213: i'm confused
[02:15] ethernicweb: god no.... example.
[02:15] dutchess213: oh ok
[02:15] ethernicweb: what if she were thinking of you right now.... how would you know?
[02:15] dutchess213: sleeping probably with her like 6 dog on top of her
[02:15] dutchess213: you wouldn't
[02:16] ethernicweb: if she wanted to reach out to you, to confide something in you, but she couldn't reach you.... if she'd left something unsaid...
[02:16] dutchess213: that's life, you can't read ppls minds, you just have to hope
[02:16] ethernicweb: Is adam sleeping soundly right now?
[02:16] dutchess213: probably not
[02:17] ethernicweb: is he wrapped in some girls arms happily drifing; letting his mind sink into oblivion...
[02:17] dutchess213: i don't know
[02:17] ethernicweb: maybe..... but if you never had the chance to see or speak to him again, how would you ever know.
[02:17] dutchess213: i do speak to him
[02:17] dutchess213: alot actually
[02:18] ethernicweb: i know... im speaking in a what if sort of way as we don't know the same group of people.
[02:18] dutchess213: you'll never know unless you ask
[02:18] dutchess213: that all i can say
[02:18] ethernicweb: what if they've slipped from your grasp forever, out of reach.... for all time.
[02:19] dutchess213: there's no point in wondering you'll just make your self crazy
[02:19] ethernicweb: and thats what im doing.
[02:19] dutchess213: STOP
[02:19] dutchess213: :-)
[02:19] ethernicweb: if only....
[02:19] dutchess213: Don't worry about other ppl, worry about your self
[02:19] ethernicweb: i do...but its hard.
[02:19] dutchess213: worry about what you're going to do tomorrow or who you're going to pay your next bill
[02:20] dutchess213: or fuck.. when the next time you're gonna get laid
[02:20] dutchess213: worry about the ppl that matter then
[02:20] dutchess213: worrry about your girlfriend or me
[02:20] dutchess213: the ppl that you can make a differnce to
[02:23] ethernicweb: let me phrase this differently... If right now you got pulled from your body and you had to watch yourself from a spectators view for the rest of time, would you have wished you'd done things differently? said things to people you never talked to, read more books? painted a self portrait? watched a sunrise, learned how do properly execute a scandenavian whip, or a pylon turn; would you wish that you had made love more, rather than having all the useless sex you could handle. Would you wish that you could have held all the people who you would have to watch die closer to you? someday it will all cometogather for me, and ill be able to paint this picture with my words... but until then this is all i can give you.
[02:26] dutchess213: i wouldn't change a thing... i know that's just me but the way i look at it, if i changed something but would i be like right now? where would i be? who would i be with? I'm not proud of some of the things i've done but that's life ppl make mistakes it's all part of growing up
[02:26] ethernicweb: what if you never got a chance to make it right?
[02:27] dutchess213: oh well
[02:27] dutchess213: again that's life
[02:27] dutchess213: something aren't meant to be fixed
[02:28] ethernicweb: but some things that need to be fixed were never meant to be broken.
[02:28] dutchess213: if we weren't ment to make the mistake in the first place, we wouldn't of
[02:28] dutchess213: how do you know they weren't meant to me broken
[02:28] dutchess213: maybe they were
[02:28] ethernicweb: maybe on a spiritual - predestination beleif system, but in reality do you think people are supposed to hurt?
[02:29] dutchess213: yes
[02:29] dutchess213: i do
[02:30] dutchess213: we're supposed to be hurt, hurt other ppl. it's just what happens
[02:30] dutchess213: there's no way to change that
[02:30] ethernicweb: does a woman who is a true sweetheart who is a one in a million woman who everyone sees as an angel.... if she gets raped and has a baby that she can't support, so she slits her wrists under depression / stress/ anxiety.... is she or the baby supposed to feel that hurt?
[02:30] ethernicweb: does that hurt make anyone stronger?
[02:31] dutchess213: it doesn't make anyone stronger
[02:31] dutchess213: but yes that's what was meant to happen to her
[02:31] ethernicweb: "that which does not kill us only makes us stronger"
[02:31] dutchess213: no ture
[02:31] dutchess213: *not true
[02:32] ethernicweb: after repeated brutal beatings the human body's pain response is dullened to the point of tollerating even the worst conceivable forms of torture.
[02:32] dutchess213: no matter how you look at it, there will never be anything you can do. It's all meant to happen and there's no way to change that.
[02:32] ethernicweb: sadly our mind isn't so flexible.
[02:33] ethernicweb: every morning do you wake up happy?
[02:33] dutchess213: no
[02:33] dutchess213: i don't
[02:33] ethernicweb: then what is the point?
[02:33] ethernicweb: are you getting closer to it every day?
[02:34] dutchess213: i don't want to wake up happy every morning
[02:34] dutchess213: what's the point?
[02:34] dutchess213: sadness, anger they're all heathy emotions just like happieness
[02:35] dutchess213: if you don't have all of them then there is no point
[02:35] ethernicweb: your not easy to argue with :)
[02:35] dutchess213: i know
[02:35] dutchess213: :-)
[02:36] dutchess213: i do make some valid points though
[02:36] dutchess213: right?
[02:36] ethernicweb:
Why do we wake up in the morning? To go to school. why? so we can get a better job (or attain one at all), and become educated enough to keep the species alive. after school maybe you'll go to college... maybe you'll be an accountant. then what after that. your 25 and working for 90k a year... what you've been waiting your whole life for... maybe you'll meet someone you care about... but what then? are you happy or just doing whats expected of you?
[02:36] ethernicweb: indeed, your a master debater.... wait.....
[02:37] ethernicweb: (that para is half done)
[02:38] dutchess213: hun...
[02:38] dutchess213: i'm sorry i have to cut our convo short
[02:38] ethernicweb: its cool.
[02:38] ethernicweb: ill ttyl in any case.
[02:38] dutchess213: i have to get up at 5:30 so i can work 14 hours...
[02:38] dutchess213: fun fun
[02:38] dutchess213: :-)
[02:38] ethernicweb: enjoy... toodles.
[02:39] dutchess213: i'll be on tomorroe night if you'd like to continue
[02:39] ethernicweb: sure.
[02:39] dutchess213: goodnight sweethear!
[02:39] dutchess213: *heart
[02:39] ethernicweb: lol you too.
[02:39] *** "dutchess213" signed off at Sat Jan 28 02:39:57 2006. |
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| Part -2 |
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| 08:45am 14/01/2006 |
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mood:  contemplative music: VA - Techno Top 100 Vol. 6 CD1
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I realize after my writing that i didn't get nearly all that out... not how I wanted it... I didn't touch on happiness how others can be molded but not shifted.... grr this could take hours.
My mortal fear has become that of being stagnant, i must keep moving even if its the wrong way... im water. always flowing throught the path ot least resistence... and wearing away everything beneath and around me.
today i came to the realization that nobody is happy at all... they work every day of their seemingly meaningless lives away to get close to what everyone else says they should be. I dont care about what anyone thinks anymore... I want to live for myself... I want to do what i want to do. But these people, your managers, worker bee's, upper management. people that make 4x what i do, in all their money and professionalism they cannot find the secret to happiness that i've found making a worthless fucking 12k a year. no matter what you do in life it won't add up to shit.... the realization that your a speck in an endless sea of nothingness can be soothing while depressing. if you name every major political figure, celeb and other namesake, you come up with what , lets say 10,000 names? out of 6.1 billion people alive thats not too good odds for the normal person.
my happiness comes from being outside on a chilly winter night, looking up into infinity and sucking in a deep breath of freezing air and letting it stew in my lungs.... the burning sensation reminds me i'm still alive. thats the end.... im sure somewhere in here i got out some of what i wanted to say..... maybe. |
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| Where its gone and where its going. |
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| 08:11am 14/01/2006 |
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mood: crazy music: VA - Techno Top 100 Vol. 6 CD1
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I think i should start this off with the subtext of 'i've been having trouble sleeping lately' because i've been having lots of all around weird thoughts that all fall into the same catagory since them. revelations about life and happiness, human nature, etc. maybe ill teach something to you or learn something about myself here.
Its been about 5-8 weeks since i've been having trouble sleeping, i've been getting about 5 hours of sleeep a night (on a good night) i never get more than 4 hours in a row.... since this has began i've found myself to be physically clumsy, in need of a spelling tutor (i used to be immaculate insofar as that but now as you can see since i'm not spell checking, i suck.), unable to touch type, unable to do a gainer (yes I landed quite funny on my neck in a snowbank...) lots of tiny things that most people attribute to getting older, getting rusty, call it what you will it all comes back to the sleep for me, but its been a catalyst for a lot of self realizations too.
I Am a liar, I lie about quite a few unimportant things, even though i don't care about what anybody thinks, which would make it pathelogical. The only problem with this is that I don't beleive my own lies thus ruling that out. I've looked into psychopathy (pronounced sy-KOP-ath-y next person who pronounces it wrong gets stabbed) and sociopathy, but neither of them fit. I've looked into quite a few disorders but none seem to fit, so i've come to the deduction that im broken in some unfixable way and i will never be whole or working properly again. Its in the cold light of my laptop at 7: am that i realize all this. I have a great life, a girl that loves me to death (who i try to love back so hard), a good place to stay, a shitty job but who doesn't? , and a powerful mind. Many many people would kill to be in my shoes, and quite honestly i'd kill to give them up.
I have no happiness in my life (this sounds like its going to turn into a religeous rant really soon, don't worry its going the other way), I lose interest very quickly (ive been tested for both adult and juvanile add, and adhd, both negative.) I have a problem with figuring things out too quickly and thinking outside the box even on menial tasks such as sweeping the floor. I have underdeveloped repetative motor skills, thus making menial tasks such as sweeping and mopping tempestuous (wow i butchered that word). On the other hand I can do certain forms of compund mathmatics in my head in a manner that disgusts most people, sometimes simple math sometimes not. in example at work a customer was getting a 10% discount on something and a 25% on another and the computer refused the coupon and the sku of one item, so in my head i figured out (in this manner)
7.91 * .75= x*.9 + (7.49 *.25)= total, mind you there was a addidional 10% off the first item. this isn't hard but i realized it was abnormal that i could do it in my head while 4 people with calculators struggled with it. In one other case a sun conure was being sold and it weighed .19 (of a lb) and we have to record the birds weight at the time of sale in grams. not a single person there knew how to do it so they called me up. Simple formula 28 g / oz ... i learned it in jail, 16 oz / lb , meaning 454 g /lb, thus 20% of 454 (or 454 *.8 ) = 454 - 90.8 = 363.2 then -1% (remember it was .19 not .2) so - 4.54 = 358.8 subtracted from 454 (thus 454 - 358.8 ) = 96.2g it took me about 3 seconds to come up with it. and it was a rough measure at that i wanted to go to the third decimal place but they refused.
the above was not to flaunt my genious but to show one thing. my mind is bored, its bored as hell its dying for some stimulation. I've read ebooks / websites / encyclopedias of info on every conceivable topic from engineering , to comp sci to eytomology to anthropology to zoology. yet my mind isn't stimulated except in one case. when i am in a battle. when i am argueing. conflict. After a conflict passes My mind is racing again, waiting for more, my hands shake slightly waiting for action, my veins rise and my blood boils.
But this is the generation of the Overstimulated Where we're taught that we must live, breathe, eat, sleep, fuck, walk, talk, and act certain ways by an omnipresent media. even now in complete darkness i can look down into the glow of my laptops screen to see 2 advertisement stickers, one for windows one for intel. I want to run into the woods strip naked and get away from everything and everyone. I have no coonspiracy theory about government spies I only have the sickening feeling in my gut that humanity in its whole is doomed to rot from the inside out. Over half of the american population is retiring within the next 2 decades, thus millions of jobs open to everyday shits like you and I can't attain due to lacking training. thus the jobs will be outsourced and or filled by migrant workers on temp visas. the beauty of a temp visa is that if you kill someone and your visa runs out and you go back to latvia, they have no extradition treaty, yah, you can kill anyone. only one way to stop it... cameras everywhere. there already are... but it will get worse. I hate living in a country / world where i get tracked. i get discounts for being tracked too. when i buy my waffles and maple syrup it goes into some database with my info. the saddest thing about this. that info gets sent and sold to consumer groups who watch the flux of the maple syrup markets. how the fuck does this qualify as work? I move pallets of dog food. I move 800-1000 lbs of dog food an hour. my back is shot and i can't sleep right.
somewhere in a focus group their talking about me right now..... but somewhere else your the focus, your the main event. welcome to the 3 ring circus, welcome to earth, welcom to Hell |
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| hey all- my weekly rant thats turned into monthly. |
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| 02:44pm 30/12/2005 |
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im switching directions on the mood of my writing, im done trying to appeal to the masses, if you add me you add me if not, thats fine too. . . im going to say what i see with little / no concern for the consequences.
I feel like writing about hippocrites, its just a great topic for me because i have such a wellspring to draw on. I think hippocracy lives right next door to conformity, as a matter of fact i come armed with an example.
In jail at first I was labeled a fag and didn't quite know how to ouutrun the label, until i realized problems are solved with fists in jail, problem solved. Much later in my sentence one of the kids who was calling me gay was singing the chorus of the eminem song "just lose it" (to refresh to all those of you who were free at the time)'im gonna make you dance its your chance ya boy shake that ass oops i mean girl, girl girl girl....' as one can see Sigmund F must have been right about a few things.
Ive been noticing a lot of this same type of hippocracy in my workplace ... ill post as to why later, for if i dont eat my smoldering lumps of goodness (pop-tarts) now ill be late for werk.
toodles all. |
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| How to speak when you have nothing to say at all |
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| 06:14am 26/11/2005 |
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mood: calm music: Origa - Inner Universe
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I feel myself falling into this nameless motony that is entirely unescapable. Some call it the 9-5 grind. I could only be so lucky as to stir at 7 or 8 am and go to my well paying job for 8 hours and return home. In the stead of that I decided to take the most disgusting job I've ever worked and i tell them i can work whenever, Now i work 40-50 hours a week (80-100 biweekly) making 9$ an hour to dead with what can only be referred to homocide of animals (Pics forthcoming- freezer, fish dept (pre pull). I work overnights- with a useless manager, who is not being paid salary so rather than worrying about getting us out of there when the work is completed We're there consistantly until 5am, working overstock.(pics forthcoming). My existence seems to be on a as necessary basis.
Allow me to speak for a moment about the heirarchy of petco so all who read may be informed as the the wonderful management We have at local store 2707.(Hanover Ma).
To begin my tyraid I will start at the top. Our genral manager Darryl sampson (no he doesn't deserve a capital letter even for grammer's sake) is the everyday acidic boss that we're all used to from working years in retail. He tries far too hard to be a friend to everyone while he's around... heres my personal favorite quote. " (mike and I are stocking iams dog food enter darryl from a conjoining aisle)
darryl "what up bro" (to both mike and i, mike and i glace at eachother like WTF?!)
Me "Just stocking"
Darryl "Cool Cool dog, can you go spot mop the store?"
Me "ya, and i'm not your dog."
darryl "..." (exit stage left)
glance at mike "what the fuck was that?" reply " i don't know".
1. He speaks down to all of the regular associates who save his ass on a regular basis. I've stayed there 11-14 hours to clean/prep/hide stuff before a vip (company exec.) comes for a visit the following morning. not because i want to, solely because i need the money. Some of the finer things Darryl has done since I joined petco.
a green cloud developed in the 90gal wave focal cichlid tank. for those us who are familiar with fish we know that this is not algae, it responds to light and other stimuli like it, however it is a single cell protoza that resists algae meds. rather than consulting his companion animal specialist (at that time it was someone no longer employed by the company) who could have better diagnosed the issue he goes and double treats the cichlid tank for algae. This increases the level of nitrates in the tank to a level that causes the cichlids slime coat to wear somewhat thin and become very very susceptable to ick which is a fish based illness. Darryl notices this and the green cloud gets far far worse, algae infestation begins in the tank at this point due to the top flourescent being left on too often allowing perfect conditions for algae bloom (heat, moisture, nitrates,stress(increased amount of waste) etc. )
continued in part 2 of the saga..... tommorrow same time same place.
~s9~
p.s.
Today was ... well yesterday was... another fucking wonderful day of hell at petco, josh managing... I closed fish/reptiles and iso/adoption... about halfway through Iso i noticed a weird red dot formation on the back of my left hand... Not knowing where it cam from or why it itched I did what any sensable person would do. I grabbed the bleach for cleaning fish supplies and dumped it over my hand and enjoyed the pending chemical burn. As of this morning there is no lasting infection / burn, So i suppose i did well... Should this be a regular thing at your job? |
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| The joys of petco |
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| 11:20am 12/11/2005 |
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Today was ... well yesterday was... another fucking wonderful day of hell at petco, josh managing... I closed fish/reptiles and iso/adoption... about halfway through Iso i noticed a weird red dot formation on the back of my left hand... Not knowing where it cam from or why it itched I did what any sensable person would do. I grabbed the bleach for cleaning fish supplies and dumped it over my hand and enjoyed the pending chemical burn. As of this morning there is no lasting infection / burn, So i suppose i did well... Should this be a regular thing at your job?
Fuck.
Anyways I bought ff11... again. So now I get to relearn all the fucking controls that drove me to the brink of insanity last time... also its 11am and i werk at 4... time for bed. nite all.
~sarevok9~
more later now that I downloaded the lj client. |
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| Sorry everyone long time no see. |
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| 06:52am 23/10/2005 |
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okay well heres what i got going on for the moment,
since i last posted i started going out with tanya (did i post that?) and i kinda started living here on the side.... my p/o is being a real pain in the ass, tanya is wicked cool....work still sucks more than jenna jameson, and naturally, I don't feel like job-hunting at all...
The other day at werk was a real beauty.....
10/20/05:
awaken to the sound of tanya talking to me @ 12:30 at my house before she goes to werk @ 1p.... fall to sleep again.
5:30pm
awaken to a pool of sweat and drool about the size of kentucky that i'm laying in (zexy huh?)....quick shower and off to petco/mall at 6 ish.
work begins @ 7....
while opening a blue tote (held closed with zip ties), with my sickle style fantasy knife (folder, legal) the blade was kinda dull.... from repeated use, but the tip (virtually unused) was razor sharp.... the zip tie snaps unexpectedly, and my other hand supporting the lid of the tote didn't really see it coming..... ya. I stabbed myself clear in the wrist.... may have hit bone...... walked around the store for about 20 sec... then began dripping (more like gushing blood) from my wrist..... went into break room, and rinsed it out (where it proceeded to gush about 3 times harder under the warm/hot water. *pass out* come to sitting on floor in break room with josh there telling me i have blood on my face.... my face burns..... I feel very weak. my wrist is throbbing... the clock on the wall laughs at me and reminds me its 8:45 on and overnight... i still have over 8 hours left and 22 pallets or so waiting for me out back....
naturally my hand (left, unnatural side / ambidexterous (used about 25-40% of the time per compared to right 60-75%) )(i write with both before you ask) is completely useless... i could arely lift a quarter pound, and had less than 10 degree range of motion in any direction.... I waited it out.... having no insurance.... because petco inexplicably cancelled mine.
The next morning i go to bed at 8am or so, and writhe in agony while trying to sleep. supposedly i hit it off of something and let out a pitiful whimper (according to tanya).... that day i worked another 6 hours or so (i came in late, from a doctors appointment that never happened.... but my wrist really fisking hurt.... the cut was mostly black. a large amount of swelling had occoured, and there was a large red area around the gash.
that night after werk er time.... expecting a really long wait we arrived at 11:45 in the pm..... expecting not to be seen until 2 or so..... surprisingly they sent me over to urgent care (with no i/d or anything ) and we were out of there before 1:30am.... no shots only a fresh dressing a no work order til monday, a bill for petco, some kefflex, some ibuprofin (both rx scripts).... and a pretty good night....
my day today was spent lounging around for once in my life.
feel bad for me.... feel free to send me money via paypal, I'm going to lose over 300$ in money due to time off.... sarevok9@gmail.com @paypal, or just send cash you broke bastards :)
~sarevok9~
p.s. about the money I really don't expect any i'm just busting sak. |
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| a short story from my twisted mind |
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| 01:04am 15/09/2005 |
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It was a quiet night, the leaves dropped soundlessly from the trees that blanketed the area in a darkness unseen by human eyes for centuries. A pair of emerald green eyes burnt like a thousand candles in the deep forest; as he walked over the ground no leaf made a sound, there was no wake to his path whatsoever. His face stoney features seemed to stand out against his ethereal azure cloak. the transparent trail he left was the proof of his passing... and with him it was gone...
I'll add more later... I'm actually very tired but i wanted to get enough of my char's desc out for me to remember it.
anyhow... I'm neglecting my g/f so i g2g.
petco.... its where I live=D |
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| lots of news |
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| 06:13am 10/09/2005 |
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welll okay now that missy has gotten over her.....stuff.... I can post this up here....
okay right now I'm at tanya's house.... that would be my girlfriend as of a week or 2 ago.... why am I awake... I just fixxxed her computer that mysteriously broke not too long ago.... why am i with tanya, because she makes me happy... why am i asking myself questions? because I'm out of my fucking mind?! maybe.....
I feel bad because tanya is missy's good friend.... I plan on staying friends with missy so long as she wants me to..... and how could she really be mad @ me when she says
"-i don't know why, i can't keep my eyes off of you-
Bogue 892 287 8460
(dear lord- two days and i'm already falling in love with you...)" in her aim profile... I'm not mad... she will be....
yawn.....as for now its 630am and i need to sleep for werk at 3.... i think 3. |
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| Another post |
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| 03:25pm 26/08/2005 |
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Well life continues somewhat as I'd expected it to, my life is being devoured on both ends.... girls, and work (which did I happen to mention sucks?!)
Allow me to expand on why I Hate My current Tempestous situation.
Missy just left for college which means a few things.
- 1. I'm single, very, very single
- 2. I'm lonely and cuddle deprived
- 3. and of course I have NO friends
Of course there are other things..... sometime around july 1 I had a sorta threesome with missy and kelly.... Fun stuff eh? riiiiight.... the other night kelly thought it would be one of her better ideas to tell her boytool james that it happened..... He flipped out and demanded that Tanya give him my number. Tanya doesn't like james so naturally that started a fight betwixt the two of them which I got yelled at by Tanya about... god maybe I shouldn't fuck around with girls who have boyfriends...... maybe not though.
Work is getting progressivly worse, I banged in sick last night for no reason.... I really hate working there with a passion that would inspire writers to pick up their depleted pens and carve the story into the remains to paperback novels back covers to remember the details.....Josh and christina are Nazi's....nuff said there.....
I re-met Jen Hannigan from high school..... its funny how much I can have in common with someone I always viewed as being som completely different from me.... down to some of the worst things.... its odd what happens in high school... people are so cliquey that nobody really gets to know anybody at all...
Times UP.
~sarevok9~ |
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| the newest of my life |
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| 02:45pm 17/08/2005 |
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Since the last time I posted I've done quite a bit, let me recap for those of you who have been away for the majority of this time.
Missy and I have seperated due to conflicting schedules/goals, suprise.
I haven't been sleeping right as of late... I don't really understand why. Work has consumed what little of my life I have left. I worked 12.5 hours yesterday and slept for about 5 after, now I work for 6 tonight.... how I Hate my bosses.
Time seems to be going rather slowly at present. Keep your head above water..... keep your head above water.keep your head above....wa
~sarevok9~ |
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| first mobile update |
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| 12:45am 05/08/2005 |
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Well 2 Years After The Incident That Sent This Journal
Private I'm Done Being Private Again. Life Is Peachy
my life is back to normal. my girlfriend is
leaving for college and i'll be left alone. her best friend really
wants me. . . i'm torn per usual.
the
insomnia is getting far worse than usual. the timestamp may help
some of you beleive that. it's 330am and i'm sitting on an
abandoned loading dock by my house. i'm breaking my curfew pretty
bad. Fucking parole. i need someone to talk to but noone is
around or awake to talk to. anyways expect many more pants and
raves from me in the coming weeks |
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| temp convo backdate post |
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| 12:31am 31/12/2004 |
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Session Start (loreweaverlain:SxottFox): Thu Dec 21 18:13:21 2006
[18:13] SxottFox: guess who
[18:20] SxottFox: i guess not
[18:20] SxottFox: oh well
[18:20] SxottFox: i'll pester you later then
[18:20] *** "SxottFox" signed off at Thu Dec 21 18:20:49 2006.
[18:23] loreweaver lain: ><
[18:23] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
Session Close (SxottFox): Thu Dec 21 18:23:17 2006
Session Start (loreweaverlain:SxottFox): Thu Dec 21 18:47:31 2006
[18:47] SxottFox: feel like talkin yet?
[18:47] loreweaver lain: i was afk last time, sorry about that :)
[18:47] SxottFox: whats up?
[18:48] loreweaver lain: not too much, yourself?
[18:48] SxottFox: hold on sec
[18:49] loreweaver lain: okay :)
[18:50] SxottFox: sorry had a phone call
[18:50] SxottFox: anyways
[18:50] loreweaver lain: welcome back :)
[18:50] SxottFox: i heard you were kinda stressed out
[18:51] loreweaver lain: a little bit... its not a situation that im used to.... normally when your with someones g/f (esp a long term one) it generates some animosity
[18:52] loreweaver lain: Lizz told me thats not the case, but it is just my nature to stress about stuff some of the time... *shrug*
[18:52] SxottFox: i'm not hostile by nature
[18:52] SxottFox: i feel animosity to be something gerenerated out of ignorance
[18:52] SxottFox: i feel quite clear lately so i think there'd be no need for anger or aggression
[18:53] SxottFox: lizz told me that you were kinda feeling liek that anyways, i figured your best remedy would be to talk to me
[18:53] SxottFox: rather than have second and third hand coversations
[18:54] loreweaver lain: I see, its just a rather... odd expirence for me... normally its a lot of cloak and dagger-esque sneaking around... but it was all very open with you which is something i've never had...Normally the b/f is something best avoided. I (for some odd reason) never seem to see eye to eye with men anyways ><
[18:55] SxottFox: likewise...in any event i've never been eye to eye with and football player-beer chugging scratch-ass womanizer
[18:55] SxottFox: i couldn't picture myself being pig headed and possesive over lizz
[18:55] SxottFox: or anyone for that matter
[18:55] loreweaver lain: lol same ^_~ i'd rather not be lumped into that genre... im not beefy enough... can you pass me the steroids please :)
[18:56] SxottFox: but you are right to feel what you do, i could be anybody and until you talk to me, you'll have no idea how i feel
[18:57] SxottFox: i'm actually alset ad there isn't much controversy on this side...i think that you'd benefit from this converstaion more than i would
[18:57] SxottFox: you're the one that seemed stressed through what lizz described
[18:59] loreweaver lain: Its just the polar opposite of what im used to. naturally you understand that much. But she even said you look forward to meeting me... which is just really.... Odd... I mean I embrace polyamory as much as the next... but im usually not into meeting the guy who is sleeping with my girl, know what i mean?
[18:59] SxottFox: right
[19:00] SxottFox: well as you might have noticed, lizz is a very sub-natural individual that doesn't quite seem to fit into society and conformity
[19:00] SxottFox: just as much as she'd surprise you, i will as well
[19:00] SxottFox: it's why lizz and i work well together
[19:01] SxottFox: we're quite the same with a lot of the smae outlooks on life and feelings
[19:01] SxottFox: at times the only differences we see in eachotehr is our gender
[19:01] SxottFox: which then we use to compliment eachotehr
[19:01] loreweaver lain: Hrm, well i look forward to meeting you as well. If nothing else it will be a fun time :)
[19:01] SxottFox: we are distant
[19:02] SxottFox: i don't know how much of our schedules we allow
[19:02] SxottFox: maybe we can help eachotehr out for now through aim
[19:02] SxottFox: i wrk a lot better with answering questions
[19:02] loreweaver lain: Yet you manage to keep Lizz very happy, which you seem to do a very good job of
[19:02] SxottFox: however you don't seem to be the asking ype
[19:03] loreweaver lain: Nah i am the asking type... i just feel like im the one to have 'wronged' you thus owing you an explanation... with that sort of thinking I find it a little 'off' to be asking you questions
[19:03] SxottFox: do you have anything you'd liek to talk about that you feel is unfinished
[19:05] loreweaver lain: Its just hard for me to piece together the pardigm of your relationship with lizz based off of what i've heard thus, my trying to get a grasp on your line of thinking is elusive at best.
[19:05] SxottFox: we've been togther for two years and not ever her nor i can pinpoint it
[19:05] SxottFox: we've tried to summarize it
[19:06] SxottFox: we find that the quickest way for us to argue is to question why we work
[19:06] SxottFox: so we tend to leave it alone
[19:06] SxottFox: but basically, we have a high level of understandinga nd we've very passive people
[19:06] loreweaver lain: Leo's and cancers are like oil and water. mind you... IM BOTH
[19:07] SxottFox: july 27 1985
[19:07] loreweaver lain: yep, thats me :)
[19:07] SxottFox: i'm all about astrology
[19:07] loreweaver lain: lizz said you licked your canine when you heard that
[19:07] SxottFox: i usually do
[19:08] loreweaver lain: <-- not a fan of taurus's / scorpio's
[19:08] SxottFox: i don't blame you
[19:09] SxottFox: are you feeling ok with what ahppened? you didn't seem to have anything to ask me
[19:09] loreweaver lain: I feel okay, based on the fact that you say your okay... i still feel bad that you couldn't do anything with her when you saw her....
[19:09] SxottFox: it's no big deal
[19:10] SxottFox: her and i aren' that active
[19:10] SxottFox: what really really upset me though is we were about to fool around becaus ei hadn't seen her in a while so we dropped our clothes and i had to stop and ask "did anything happen?"
[19:10] loreweaver lain: thats why i feel bad about it ><
[19:10] SxottFox: then she told
[19:11] SxottFox: it wasn't her fault
[19:11] SxottFox: she's never done this
[19:11] SxottFox: everything is 100% learning
[19:11] SxottFox: anyways..i've been terribly hurt in the past
[19:11] loreweaver lain: how so?
[19:11] loreweaver lain: oh, the whole kitt thing?
[19:11] SxottFox: well
[19:12] SxottFox: in some cases
[19:12] SxottFox: i've been cheated on before in a way that the person continued being intimate with me without telling me of the extra activities
[19:12] SxottFox: it was purely leading me on
[19:13] SxottFox: and still then 4 years ago i had a big enough heart to have already forgiven the person for any mistake that could ever be made
[19:13] SxottFox: in trade for my compassion, i became traumatized
[19:13] SxottFox: really bad
[19:14] SxottFox: the otehr night when i started to be close to her and i found out what happened, her image was instantly replaced by members of my past relationships
[19:14] SxottFox: and i found it hard to just realize it was lizz and not any of my ex's
[19:14] loreweaver lain: I went through a lot of shit in the pursuit of 'love'
[19:14] loreweaver lain: so i can relate with you on that note
[19:15] loreweaver lain: It wasn't my intent to cause you or her any strife, so for that much i feel guilty if nothing else.
[19:15] SxottFox: i would've done the same thing
[19:16] SxottFox: actually in teh begginging of our relationship, i was faced with teh same situation
[19:16] loreweaver lain: Well i feel especially guilty because you see her so infrequently
[19:17] SxottFox: do you mind if i get personal about the situation? i feel like it could make you feel uncomfortable
[19:17] loreweaver lain: No thats fine, The best way for me to be at ease is if your well informed
[19:17] SxottFox: which is understandable since you're not used to conversing with the "guy"
[19:18] SxottFox: well she tells me it was a good, which i can relate because i too am a sucker for magical moments
[19:19] SxottFox: you guys met a level of comfort that caused you both to filter out pain and consequence
[19:19] SxottFox: thats almost something to reward i think
[19:19] SxottFox: most people even married couples never become that comfortable
[19:20] loreweaver lain: Ya its the first time in a number of years that i've felt that comfortable around someone, let alone someone i just met
[19:21] SxottFox: well then nothing you did from taht point on should be considered wrong
[19:22] SxottFox: for your sake, did you use protection? sorry for the third grade sex-ed questions
[19:23] loreweaver lain: Of course, thats a given :)
[19:24] SxottFox: lizz has never been tested, and as far as i know, she hasn't been with anyone since me, so in your best interest it was wise ya know
[19:24] SxottFox: besides one can never be 100% sure
[19:24] loreweaver lain: Indeed, i was tested in october, i haven't had anyone since then / before lizz... so i know i was clean anyways :)
[19:24] SxottFox: i've been monogamous to her since i met her yet i'm getting tested again soon for routine work ya know
[19:25] loreweaver lain: of course. its good to be tested just in case.
[19:25] loreweaver lain: but wait....
[19:25] loreweaver lain: i thought you guys were polyamerous
[19:25] SxottFox: right, but not intercourse
[19:25] SxottFox: on my side anyways
[19:26] SxottFox: i'm not an intercourse person anyways....sex with me is identical to lesbian sex
[19:26] SxottFox: i am the male lesbian in many ways
[19:27] loreweaver lain: So I've been told. But i guess that you can outdo me with your tongue in your sleep, so for that much i envy you ><
[19:27] SxottFox: if you need advice, it's 99% listening to your partner and 1% skill
[19:28] loreweaver lain: Lol i always listen INTENTLY... so i think i just lack that 1% skill ><
[19:28] SxottFox: everyone's different, you haven't been with lizz for two years so you haven't had a chance to listen
[19:28] loreweaver lain: I haven't much practice in that regard... im more of a manual person... so i lack in the oral department ><
[19:29] SxottFox: i'm way to submissive and feminine
[19:29] SxottFox: way too gentle
[19:30] SxottFox: by the way, and since this has never come up before, what do you think of lizz
[19:30] SxottFox: i meant sexual parts and attitude
[19:30] loreweaver lain: Ummm do you really want to know?
[19:31] SxottFox: i know that it is a weird subject, but really how was your experience?
[19:33] loreweaver lain: It had a lot more depth then i was prepared for... As selfish and as mean as it sounds your girlfriend is one of the most special girls I have ever met. Like i said to her, she's not the best in bed, but she makes me feel better then anyone i've ever been in bed with. And i honestly think that sums up the entirety of my thoughts for her. the best word to describe my state of emotion when im in her presence is Ambrosia.
[19:34] SxottFox: as in the fruit dish?
[19:34] loreweaver lain: lol its another word for paradise, or Elation :)
[19:35] SxottFox: i know, i was wonderinif you meant the dish
[19:35] SxottFox: i would have said teh dish
[19:35] SxottFox: actually your feedback on her really helps me understand a little bit better why we wrok
[19:35] loreweaver lain: But doesn't it make you jealous?
[19:36] SxottFox: like i dunno i always wondered if i was an ok person for appreciting lizz in a way that was different than most guys
[19:36] SxottFox: and jeaulousy
[19:36] SxottFox: i don't think i am
[19:36] SxottFox: describe why you think i would be
[19:38] loreweaver lain: Because its natural for humans to hold close to them the things they value... when they see a chance of these things being 'stolen away' they get defensive (classic protection of territory instinct)
[19:39] loreweaver lain: I already expressed that i have a deep interest in your girlfriend, i figured it would be a bit unsettled by that....
[19:39] SxottFox: lizz is not my terrorial possesion
[19:39] SxottFox: territorial*
[19:39] SxottFox: i don't own her, she walks with me by my side, she's not on my shoulders, i'm not dragging her by the hand
[19:40] SxottFox: we choose to be where we are
[19:40] SxottFox: i'm closer to her than anything the could ever be a problem because she chooses to be that close as well
[19:40] loreweaver lain: Of course not, i never implied it as though she were an object (DAMN YOU METAPHORES!). but what i was hinting at is that most people protect what they have, and their present lifestyle
[19:41] SxottFox: i meant it metaphorically
[19:41] SxottFox: i don't own what we have
[19:41] SxottFox: what we have is offered to me
[19:42] SxottFox: everyday when she says she loves me, i'm given a brand new chance to be with someone all over again
[19:42] SxottFox: i've had enough satistfaction from her each day that if she left for any reason, i wouldn't feel stolen from
[19:42] SxottFox: i count my lucky stars with her
[19:43] loreweaver lain: Thats a very unique outlook.... I can't say i could ever share that view.....
[19:43] SxottFox: it's not for everyone
[19:43] SxottFox: lizz and i couldn't be lizz and i in any otehr way
[19:43] loreweaver lain: Indeed.... its.... almost outlandish....
[19:44] SxottFox: in fact sometimes when we sexually role play, we make fun of steereotypical relationships
[19:44] loreweaver lain: I suppose its like the proverb though... love something, let it go, etc.
[19:44] SxottFox: i pretend to be a dude and she pretends to be the whore
[19:44] SxottFox: it's fun
[19:44] SxottFox: we laugh
[19:45] SxottFox: but we could never be agressive over something like sex
[19:45] SxottFox: think about sex for a minute
[19:45] loreweaver lain: Sex is meant to be fun, rough, soft, fast, slow... its meant to be fun... did you ask her about when we had sex at all?
[19:47] SxottFox: i know taht you guys did
[19:47] SxottFox: but what do yo mean?
[19:48] loreweaver lain: I mean the 'tone' at the time when we did
[19:49] loreweaver lain: it was fun, it was all about enjoyment...
[19:49] SxottFox: she didn't really mention what is was like
[19:50] SxottFox: she just said it was good
[19:50] SxottFox: as in not fucked up
[19:50] SxottFox: she didn't want to disclose, she was focused on that i might be upset
[19:50] loreweaver lain: oh it was 'generic' in execution... but it was also fun.... it was enjoyable on som subliminal levels...
[19:51] SxottFox: well there is a magic outsid ethe whole flesh aspect
[19:51] loreweaver lain: exactly.
[19:51] SxottFox: hah besides i hear that you couldn't hide behind a telephone pole with that thing
[19:51] SxottFox: lol
[19:52] loreweaver lain: hahahahahahaha
[19:52] loreweaver lain: never head it said that way....
[19:53] SxottFox: what did you think of hers? i mean outside the times that we've played around with otehr couples and everything else, no one has ever been able to get clsoe to her stuff because she didn't let them
[19:53] SxottFox: but whats your opinion
[19:54] loreweaver lain: what do you mean, on a physical level or on a mental level?
[19:55] SxottFox: compared to your telephone pole....lol
[19:55] SxottFox: i meant your experience with it
[19:55] SxottFox: what do you think of her stuff
[19:55] SxottFox: no one besides me has played with her in a few years
[19:56] loreweaver lain: Oh.... ummmm well... she was pretty tight in my opinion, but then again... ya know. I hurt her pretty good from what i understand too.... she enjoyed it at the time but she was a little sore afterwards ><
[19:57] SxottFox: you didn't really hurt her, but she went into too fast, so it stretch to fit the ocassion*, now it's in healing
[19:57] SxottFox: noit a big deal
[19:58] loreweaver lain: aye, well i hear that kinda ruined things for you... for that im sorry ><
[19:58] SxottFox: i has talked to her a couple of nights before about manogamy and we both agreed that no matter what we should just be honest about whatever happens
[19:59] SxottFox: then she slept with soemone random taht didn't know
[19:59] SxottFox: i think it would've been so much less surprising if i was there ya know
[19:59] SxottFox: we are swingers and we do have our history of group stuff
[19:59] SxottFox: but whatever
[19:59] SxottFox: i didn't expect it to happen so fast
[20:00] SxottFox: i actually thought thati'd bee the first one to have sex outside the reltionship for the first time
[20:00] SxottFox: once again i say this witha smirk on my face i'm not at all upset
[20:00] loreweaver lain: Ahhh i see.... ya, it was a fairly unexpected thing.... and i had sort of assumed you were hurt when you found out about it....
[20:01] loreweaver lain: ....but wait....
[20:01] loreweaver lain: [19:59] SxottFox: i didn't expect it to happen so fast
[20:00] SxottFox: i actually thought thati'd bee the first one to have sex outside the reltionship for the first time
[20:00] SxottFox: once again i say this witha smirk on my face i'm not at all upset
[20:01] loreweaver lain: those 3 lines confuse the shit out of me...
[20:01] loreweaver lain: they seem to have a sad overtone... but your smirking...
[20:02] SxottFox: her and i never had intercourse with someone outside the reltionship privatly...... we discussed that we should be honest if anything were to happen
[20:02] SxottFox: but i figured i'd go out and be mischevous before she ever would
[20:02] SxottFox: but she surprisingly was
[20:02] SxottFox: full thing too, oral kissies and sex
[20:03] SxottFox: and i say it was a smile just to hint that i'm ok with it
[20:03] loreweaver lain: Your statements seem like your hurt though...
[20:03] loreweaver lain: Theres just a sad overtone to your method of chatting
[20:03] SxottFox: you have no base of comparison
[20:04] loreweaver lain: how true... but your a cancer... when in doubt.. assume its snippyness / emotion
[20:05] SxottFox: well i don't know what to describe my feelings as
[20:05] SxottFox: but i can definately tell you what they aren't
[20:05] SxottFox: i'm not goingt o rip your head off, i'm not angry with lizz...i'm not jealous
[20:06] SxottFox: and i'm positive
[20:06] SxottFox: actually some parts of me feel a lot of remorse for you
[20:06] SxottFox: you have a girl back home
[20:09] SxottFox: ?
[20:09] loreweaver lain: indeed... but thats just another part of everything... you have to understand scooter that im trying to be .... i dunno.... overly nice about all this... but its a stressful time... Im a leo, I have like zip for money, its xmas time, i got my g/f 2 things and my g/f got me a fucking mountain of shit (ask lizz, i took pics of all the stuff my g/f got for me)... and worse yet, I had a pretty deep connection with your girlfriend, which makes me feel bad for both me and for you, don't know why, but it does.
[20:10] loreweaver lain: (btw i call you scooter when i talk with lizz.... no clue... it just seems like a fun nickname)
[20:10] SxottFox: it was my old nickname and some people at work call me scooter
[20:11] SxottFox: i got lizz something small and simple
[20:11] SxottFox: she hasn't gotten me anything yet
[20:11] SxottFox: when she does it won't be a bi deal
[20:11] SxottFox: our relationship ins't presents and gifts
[20:11] loreweaver lain: you know how leo's are... we SUCK at getting gifts...
[20:12] SxottFox: especially witha cancer
[20:12] loreweaver lain: we HAVE to give more then we get or we just die inside.
[20:12] SxottFox: i'm quite impossible
[20:12] loreweaver lain: I hear your quite the giver too >< and IMPOSSIBLE to buy for,
[20:13] SxottFox: i actually just got this feeling that i can't really put my finger on
[20:14] SxottFox: my girl has poisoned you with the sweetest tasting sample of teh finest heart shaped choclate that will cause so much stress
[20:14] SxottFox: aka you're allergic to her chocolate kisses
[20:15] loreweaver lain: yes and no. You see.... because in this equation you and my present g/f are the venom... your curable, my g/f is not.... but she was a pre-existing intoxication (or something) (not to be insulting... but it fit in with the metaphor)
[20:16] loreweaver lain: to answer the unasked question... yes i am QUITE enamored with your g/f
[20:16] SxottFox: i think it's the sadest thing i've come across in a long time
[20:17] SxottFox: i know what it must mean to you
[20:17] loreweaver lain: i dont like the sympathy... its just confirmation that my situation sucks.
[20:18] loreweaver lain: (not to throw it in your face.... sorry about that)
[20:18] SxottFox: well i understand
[20:18] SxottFox: but i'm the type that would do anything without reservation
[20:18] SxottFox: it's called unconditional love
[20:19] SxottFox: you've touched my girlfriends heart and i love all things about her
[20:19] loreweaver lain: there no such thing as unconditional love....
[20:19] loreweaver lain: every love can be ended under SOME condition...
[20:19] SxottFox: i believe there is
[20:19] SxottFox: i have faith that people can have love as a baseline
[20:20] SxottFox: and it gets me by even if you don't have that faith
[20:20] loreweaver lain: if your g/f killed your whole family and cut your dog in half and knocked you unconscious and left you in a pool of your dead dogs blood, would you still love her?
[20:20] loreweaver lain: i know its extreme.... but that love would be unconditional.
[20:20] SxottFox: my ex has done worse and i still love her whoel heartedly
[20:20] loreweaver lain: erm?
[20:21] SxottFox: kit has dealt extreme damage in my past and i lov her
[20:21] loreweaver lain: i heard... but i spose.... you are a strong person for that much
[20:21] SxottFox: i am different
[20:21] SxottFox: just different
[20:21] SxottFox: no stronger than you
[20:22] loreweaver lain: stronger... just in a different capacity
[20:22] SxottFox: i can honestly say i love you as well, besides you've given me so mucha nd i haven't asked for anything...if you slow down for a bit and appreciate life second by second every inhale and exhale you'll see
[20:22] SxottFox: people move to fast through love
[20:22] loreweaver lain: I live in Zen much of the time... but this is an imbalance that needs tending to, as you can imagine
[20:23] SxottFox: i embrace it with love
[20:23] SxottFox: unconditionally
[20:23] loreweaver lain: It was weird... when i was with her it felt like she was mostly with me... but she held back... we talked about you a lot.
[20:24] loreweaver lain: I wasn't hurt.... but i knew what it was... ya'know?
[20:24] SxottFox: you felt a part of me with her
[20:24] SxottFox: lizz and i are one in a lot of senses
[20:24] SxottFox: it's hard to appreciate only her without feeling me
[20:24] SxottFox: same with the otehr way around
[20:26] loreweaver lain: understandably that leaves me selfishly wondering where i fit into this whole mess..... as i said to lizz earlier life would've been a lot easier (not better) if she was just a one night stand and meant nothing to me. because i feel much like a 3rd wheel on a bike
[20:27] SxottFox: hmmm
[20:28] SxottFox: ya know what...
[20:28] SxottFox: you shared somethign with lizz other than sex right
[20:28] SxottFox: lets say you didn't have sex with her
[20:28] SxottFox: i think you'd still have something with her thats really important
[20:29] loreweaver lain: But how, with clear conscience can i act on any of that when you are so prominantly in her life without feeling like im a total douchebag for trying to love your girl?
[20:31] SxottFox: sharing and celebrating great times and events with someone is nothing that should ever be looked down upon
[20:31] SxottFox: the night that you gave my girl was a night that i couldn't becaus ei wasn't able to be there
[20:31] SxottFox: you actually helped me and our relationship
[20:31] SxottFox: by adding and sharing
[20:32] SxottFox: if you attach posessiona nd territory with love then you'll always
[20:32] SxottFox: feel bad about it
[20:32] SxottFox: i can't explain my views correctly
[20:34] loreweaver lain: I don't at all, but i still think that if i try to love your girl that im going to inadvertantly cause you or her pain.
[20:34] SxottFox: do you love her now?
[20:34] loreweaver lain: I can't say for sure.
[20:34] SxottFox: look at the trust and the confidence
[20:34] SxottFox: you must say to some point you appreciate it
[20:35] loreweaver lain: Theres a lot of both...
[20:36] loreweaver lain: I would like to think that i love lizz.
[20:36] SxottFox: it's perfectly safe ya know
[20:37] SxottFox: you can evn get to chose what you do and don't celebrate
[20:37] SxottFox: she says she really appreciates how you've come to talk to her and that you said you find that you have comfort in her
[20:37] SxottFox: thast sharing ya know
[20:38] loreweaver lain: i know.... but its just odd that your not threatened by my presence when you've had an awful past with your ex's
[20:39] SxottFox: it's my ex's that have caused trouble
[20:39] SxottFox: lizz doens't know how to hurt people
[20:39] SxottFox: in that department of being spiteful, lizz is completely inexperienced
[20:40] SxottFox: my past ex's though deliberatly went behind my back and didn't tell me about cheating until months down the line
[20:40] SxottFox: and eventually did worse things
[20:44] SxottFox: whjat would you like to see happen next?
[20:45] loreweaver lain: Honestly i don't know.... well i know exactly what i WANT... but cloning isn't legal or scientificly possible yet... so i think we have to postpone what i WANT for now.
[20:45] loreweaver lain: aside from that... i can't see too many outcomes that are truely favorable to me.
[20:45] SxottFox: be tow places at once huh?
[20:46] SxottFox: i thought of that
[20:46] SxottFox: what's your girl birthday?
[20:47] loreweaver lain: I found myself in her situation sub the feelings for either of the girls at one point.... it STILL sucked.... so for the sake of this situation i think that i should be wise about this and remove myself from the situation because all im going to cause is strife.
[20:47] loreweaver lain: my girls b-day is jan 14th 1987 (maybe 1988.... let me do some math)
[20:47] loreweaver lain: 87.
[20:48] SxottFox: capricorn with traits of aquarius
[20:48] loreweaver lain: ya.... imagine my misery in that relationship
[20:48] loreweaver lain: i'll trade ya....
[20:48] SxottFox: it's all in you
[20:48] SxottFox: sorry to be harsh but it's you
[20:48] loreweaver lain: i know that.
[20:48] loreweaver lain: she's happy as a clam.
[20:49] SxottFox: i wouldn't get within miles of a capr or an aquarius
[20:49] loreweaver lain: i know.... im an idiot.... she's uber clingy.... and it just gets worse... it sucks....
[20:51] SxottFox: hmmm...
[20:51] SxottFox: i'm staring to put a picture in my head of her
[20:51] SxottFox: i'm not going to impress you with my pyschic ability to read signs
[20:51] SxottFox: but i do see a great ending to the situation
[20:51] SxottFox: positive for a lot of people
[20:52] loreweaver lain: Like?
[20:53] SxottFox: well lizz isn't going to be crushed....by anything that happens...and i'll be able to see to it that she's alright...i'm letting you know taht i'm alright myself....that leaves you and your girl
[20:53] SxottFox: whats her name by the way?
[20:53] loreweaver lain: Tanya
[20:53] loreweaver lain: May i ask you a favor scott?
[20:53] SxottFox: sue thing
[20:53] SxottFox: sure*
[20:54] loreweaver lain: Can you call up lizz.... like right now. She's really emotional about this whole thing and she needs you.
[20:54] SxottFox: k |
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| retal to garlands post |
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| 01:45am 16/06/2003 |
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Im about to slap you around like the silly slut you are for retaling a post you blocked anyways,
So let me start at the top and let you post whatever kind of retal you want, I wont block you like you do to me.... I fight fair
For one the song I was quoting 'you think your evil but your not' By Ohgr, which you mispelled has been a favorite of mine because its about how so many skinny puppy fans are fucking losers and how ohgr is disassociating themselvs from that entity altogather.
I have listend to them far before either you or shannon, or anyone really told me about what industrial is/was. My brother played it for me back when, I dont really like much else other then pore off that cd.
But let me continue ont to the issues I have with your lovely retal to my comment
I "stalked" you.
Doing the nice guy thing and calling the slut of a meth-head of an ex every once in a while and randomly bumping into you at the mall is obviously stalking, This from the one who got my info off of my lisecnce at a place I used to werk, had your ex-roomate (who im now friends with) give me your number, And after I waited a night you called me. After about a month of going out and having the relationship being strangley stale you show up at my house (which i never told you where it was or gave you directions to) and took me away. I will admitt I didn't mind the days that followed, and im relatively sure that you didn't either.
After that I saw you twice more brfore you moved back to georgia once at tims, once at the mall.... but Im a stalker.
I seem to see the lack of a 40 car pileup that is my life, I live the way I want unrestriced by socital norms and racial and ethnic barriers, Im sorry you aren't having the same luck in the south, where your life flourishedbefore.
Im trying for a life of immitation, lets examine a few things before i even start. your old screen name s1nthet1k, trying to be a little like ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sinthetik? oh but it gets worse, her next screen name is "this dr0id kills" similar to "this droid kills" that shannon (sinthetik) uses. I dont think you can fault me for listening to techno because I have liked techno / industerial since about age 5 when I played my first mega man game (mega man 2) and heard the kool music.
But i beg of you, Tell me where you find fault in me my dear garland (machineryangel) or as you dont like to me called by your real name sarah michelle *****. I wish to know how my likes and interests are childish and unorigional, and your pretention and envy are so crisp and new?
Please inform me god of gods, how can I be more like you garland, How can I be more like you.
Im sure I could start with drugs then find a cool person to imitate..... But i sure as fucking hell wouldn't start with you |
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| 01:45pm 03/04/1998 |
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mood:  devious
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I just decided today to make my journal a friends only journal, if you want to be added drop a comment and ill add you if i see fit to do so.
Drop the message,... see ya.
~sarevok9~ |
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artistic