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11:23pm 05/02/2018
  Help, I've done it again....
I've been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is there's noone else to blame.

Be my friend.
Hold me, wrap me up.
Unfold me, I am small and needy,
warm me up, and breath me....

I don't know that I'm ever going to be accepted, and gods I'm lonely.... Every day actually feels like I'm going insane. I can't help but think that my life is slipping away from me.

I wish it was 2014 again and we were friends... when I had someone to cry to when I needed to let this shit out of me...

Now I cry alone... I do everything alone. I am alone.

(Yell to the future)

06:03am 05/02/2018
  I wonder if you'd care that I find myself either crying or wanting to cry most days that I spend without you. I don't imagine that you think of me much at all anymore. I wish you would. I wish you'd stop for a moment and reconsider. But there's no hope. No hope at all.

I don't think I'm ever going to be "normal" again. I also don't know if I want to be...I want what was. The times when you would be so mad at me that you'd start to smile because you just knew my nature. When I would do little things that bugged you, but you would laugh because you understood me.

I don't fit anywhere in this world.

I don't have any meaning. I'm slowly dying.

I hope that you find your piece of mind. Truly. I want for you to be happy.

I don't know how much longer I can endure where I am. I haven't heard a human voice in.... so long. Who was the last person I talked to in the flesh that wasn't providing me some kind of service? God.... I honestly don't remember. Margaret maybe? And now I've pushed her away so that Eugene can try his luck. Or was it Eugene...

And if I exclude Margaret / Eugene / Stacey... then who is it... Maybe Bill, Karen... or Paul's Wife... but if I exclude people I live with... maybe Aparajita? In....October. I've not talked to anyone in months.

I have nobody, and that's the sum of everything.

(Yell to the future)

10:59pm 04/02/2018
  It's 10 days away now and I wonder if you feel the same way as I do with this day coming up. I wonder if the people at Top of The Hub will think about us and remember that it should have been our third anniversary and wonder about that couple that they'd seen before. The girl with the gorgeous smile and the guy who saw nobody else in the room while she was there. I wonder if it will cross your mind at all. Where we were then, and we were are now. As I teeter on the verge of financial ruin, and you remain blissfully unaware, I wonder. I wonder if this is really what fate had planned for either of us. There's a terrible reality that creeps up on me every single day, and the words it speaks into my ears rock me to my core. I had everything I needed. Everything I wanted. Everything. You... You were my everything.

I'm so fucking lonely without you here. I spend days where I don't hear another human's voice... and I don't know that I want to hear anyone, or see anyone... I just want to remember what it felt like... when you'd come out of the shower and I'd put my face against your stomach, and you'd run your hands through my hair and tell me that you love me as I kissed you. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you. Not a minute goes by without me thinking about changing this reality. Because you aren't perfect. Not at all. But you were perfect for me.

Every day hurts.

6 months 2 weeks on, it's not getting any better. It's only getting worse and worse as I forget what your lips felt like, or when I forget about the smell of your hair in the morning... I remember things so clearly when I close my eyes... I just wish I could close them and let the years slip by, staying in those memories where it's safe and warm, complete with your love and your affection.... God do I miss it.

I remember you telling me once that you missed how I would write you things... and now I find myself writing to you all the time. I write you hundreds of letters that you'll never get the chance to read.... pages upon pages of heartfelt writing that would remind you that you are loved... but it's too late now.

I fucked up.

I miss you.

(Yell to the future)

In tears again   
08:03pm 15/01/2018
  I'm just sitting at home, playing computer games, passing the time, dreaming of my future, and it hits me.

Today is January 15th. That's not a tremendously important date, but that means that it's almost 6 months since the last time I kissed you.... has it been that long? My heart still feels like it's being ripped out every fucking day. Every move I make I feel like I'm gutted... like there's nothing left, and it's just not getting any better. Every day is getting worse.

I'm looking at a job where I'll be traveling a lot... anything to get away from here. I'm reminded of the line from fight club...\

"You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?"

God I hope so.

I hope so.

(Yell to the future)

And now.   
09:02am 13/01/2018
  And now that I look back on things...

I ask myself who loved the other more. I think back to the times we had together, and whether or not we were both present in all those moments or if you were just along for the ride.

I look back and I think about the times you smiled, the times that you did little things without me noticing, and the times that we stayed up well into the night, just talking and being in love with one another.

And then I think back onto how it ended... that night on the couch when you found out. There was so many times when I could have reached out to you, to have smoothed it all over and to have moved past it... but in that moment you never knew the thoughts that were in my head, and I never expressed them to you. When we were sitting there, I wanted desperately to reach out to you, and to tell you it was all a big mistake. I wanted to tell you that you were my soulmate and that the thought of losing you was tearing everything that mattered in my soul asunder. I wanted to tell you about what really happened. About the pills, about who saved me, and about what really happened....I wanted to tell you about how it was all one, big, mistake.

But I couldn't do that. I just left it alone. My brain told me that it would be easier on you. And every time I went to say something that would make things better I just thought to myself "You're almost through this. She deserves better than you. She deserves a life with happiness beyond what you can give her".

And on that night, I decided that I could live my life without my soulmate, because she would be happier without me. And every moment of every day since she left I've longed for nothing. Felt nothing. Survived in the moment, and dared not dream of the future. The pain I feel is beyond comprehension... and that was before you attacked me. Before you threw it all in my face. Before you made me lose my job, before you left me on the brink of homelessness, and before you tried to make me a monster.

I want so badly to destroy you. My mind longs for all the horrible things in the world to happen to you -- and there's so many things that I could set in motion that would never be tied back to me. So many awful, evil things that would take you forever to dig out of. I could make the rest of your life a sea of jail time, paperwork, and being painfully broke. I could make you wish that you were dead until you were.

But despite all of the rage that I feel for you...I still love you. If you were anybody else other than you, I would have buried you alive... but the thought of you crying after all the shit I put you through still makes me cry. The thought of you sleeping when I leave for work in the morning still leaves me happy that I had the chance to know you at all.

I have been around the world, and in all the places I've seen, of all the people I've known, none have made me feel the way that you do. None of them had their fingers on the pulse of my emotion the way that you did. None of them knew how to make me laugh, or cry the way that you did. None of them smiled the same way as you. None of them knew what my soul looked like. None of them believed in me the way that you did. None of them knew about all my fucking problems. None of them could see the person that I was, or the person that I wanted to be. Not really anyways. And none of them really tried to anymore. You saw who I was -- seeing the good in me and overlooking my flaws, and though we'd fight, we'd always be friends afterwards... And every day was getting better. Every time you'd kiss me or hold me I would feel at peace... and now I feel nothing.

Looking back on all that was I wish I was more selfish and kept it going... my life would be very different. I still imagine you walking in, putting down your things and wrapping your arms around me... how warm you felt.

I was in Sephora the other day and I smelled the black opium and it brought back a lot of memories/ I remembered how it smelled on you... the way it worked with your natural scent... and as I wafted the perfume stick past my nose it made me so acutely aware that you weren't there... but it's almost like you were. It's almost like I was taken back in time. To some random night that there were so many of, you'd be parading around the house, naked as a jaybird, just out of the shower -- getting ready to go to dinner with me, you'd come over smelling of that perfume and body wash, you'd sit on my lap and tell me that you loved me, and when I'd demand another hug, you'd always make the time to give me ... just one more.

I loved you so much that I still do. That I'm still upset about it every day. That I wake up alone... on the floor... because the bed reminds me of you. Nobody I've met has made me feel the way that I do about you. Nobody could bring me to tears just telling me that they care about me -- while in public no less. Not because nobody ever told me that before... but because I'd never believed it before. My heart never once trusted someone when they told me that they would always be in my life until you said those words. And through all the bullshit between us... I believed you. After every time we hurt one another, we'd always meet in the middle and moved forward -- until you couldn't anymore... I broke your fucking heart and I deserve this way that I feel right now. I earned it.

But there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish like hell that things were different.

And now I'm all alone. Wishing I could be mad. Wishing I could move on. Wishing that I could start over with you. Wishing that we'd never met. Wishing I could forget.

Wishing I could forgive myself.

Wishing I could let you go.

But I made you a promise -- that I'd love you until the day that I died... and I don't know how much longer I have left.

I wanted you in my life forever baby. I wanted to wake up next to you every day.... but I'm broken. And I have a problem.

You deserve better....

You deserve better....

(Yell to the future)

I wish   
02:24am 07/01/2018
  I wish a day would go by, one where I wouldn't think of your name... or look at your instagram, or dream that I had just one more chance.

But chances have run out... and there's nobody left to blame but myself.

I wish that I didn't have a day pass where I thought that ending it might be the answer, or where I saw some kind of silver lining

But even when I'm in bed with someone else, I feel nothing. Nothing at all.

I wish that I felt something, anything, for anyone, including myself.

But I don't. I feel nothing. I feel like I'm becoming nothing.

I wish that I felt love, or respect, or admiration for the person I see in the mirror.

But I only see bitterness, anger, and disappointment.

I wish that you could run your hands through my hair and tell me that the world isn't that bad, and that things will improve...

But you're not here. You're not coming back, and ultimately, it's my fault.

I wish I could shake the feeling that there's some combination of words that would make things better.

Because I know that this is past-tense and barring some crazy miracle, you're gone forever.

I wish that I could just swallow this lump that's been in my throat since you left.

But the more I think on it, the bigger it gets... the harder it gets to swallow.

I wish I wasn't so fucking lonely, feeling isolated even when I'm around someone else.

But every time someone talks to me I think about coming home to you, then realizing you won't be there.

I wish I didn't think about a life with you, or what our forever would be. I wish I didn't think of a house or growing old. I wish I didn't think about owning a dog with you, or living together when we're too old to work. I wish you didn't make me reach for the fucking stars because I fell so far that I don't think I'm ever going to be alright again and I don't know what the fuck to do.

I wish I was joking, or exaggerating or trying to say things that I don't feel, but every fucking day that passes without you in my arms, on my lips, or near my heart is tearing me the fuck apart. I wish like hell I didn't do the things I did, I wish I could set it all right...

But I'm left with more wishes than I know what to do with, and nothing / nobody to answer them.

I don't know that I could be much more upset... and I feel that way every day... ever since July 25th, the day it all came apart. But even before that, when everything went wrong after going so damnably well.

I wish that you knew this... but I feel like the only way I'll be able to reach you is from beyond the veil... and maybe that's how you prefer it.

But I wish that it wasn't.

(Yell to the future)

05:37am 28/12/2017
  I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I still love you. I wish that deep down in my heart I didn't want you to walk back in the door some night. No explanations or apologies from either of us... just acceptance. I would let go in an instant of all the harm you've caused me, because to me that's what love is. Love has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with being loyal to a person. Here it is 5 months later and my heart is still gushing blood because of how badly my soul misses yours. I think of the way that you'd look in the morning with the light slipping through the blinds and kissing your skin. Your mop of hair obscuring your face and the blankets hugging the curves of your hips... I'd count your breaths and look at your lips before I'd give you one last kiss...two last kisses before heading to work.

I can't believe that's not going to happen again. I can't think of how we went from that to where we are now, and what brought us to this point. When I told you that you'd have my heart forever... I meant it. I still do. Despite everything. All the pain, the uncertainty and calamity that you've brought into my life since the day that you left. I'd let it all go, just to feel your arms wrapped around me again. Just to wake up next to you one more time, I'd move mountains... but as it stands right now I feel like I'm crippled.

When I said that I loved you I meant that you'd always have a place to stay, an ear to talk to, a heart to connect with, food in your stomach, tea waiting for you after a long day... ideas to solve hard problems that you may encounter. A guide through the dark times that life will put in your path, and a traveling buddy for the lighter days. A conversation partner for anything you might want to say, and a sanity check for anything crazy that you're thinking of doing. I promised you that I'd be there, and you promised the same back... but yours had everything to do with where we were sexually, and it had nothing to do with what I thought it did. I thought you'd be here... keeping me company on the lonely nights. I thought that you'd be here to quiet my tempestuous soul... to hold me closely when life threw unexpected wrenches into my gears, and to augment the existence that I already built, and to help me make it even more beautiful. I thought that you would be by my side no matter what. I thought that after stopping me from moving, and crying when you thought I'd go to jail, or when you thought I might go to Austin... I thought that was it. I thought when I told you that my heart was yours and that you had to be gentle with it because it'd been to hell and back before you met me... I thought that when I told you that I hadn't trusted anyone in years; and even though I was the one that fucked up... I never expected you to leave. I never wanted any of this.

I never wanted to be in a position where I had to choose between what I know I need and what I know you want. You still think you were lied to. You still think you were stabbed in the back. But here it is 5 months on, a defeated restraining order, a loss of job, and scarcely 5 consecutive minutes without thinking of you later... and I still want you in my life. Now more than ever. Because despite all the shit you've put me through for little to no reason, I still love you. Because my soul loves yours. And even if you've left me behind...even if you actively want the worst for me... I still want nothing more than for you to be happy.

Because that's what love is. To me anyways. It's about forgiving. Moving on. And about making the best of the shit that life throws at us.

But regardless; you've made your choice and now I need to live with that. You gave me the best memories of my life; and I hope that someone else will be so lucky as to make you as happy as I did.

(Yell to the future)

To six shooter:   
04:49am 23/12/2017
  What do you know about panic attacks,
The type so bad that you can't hold back.
Tears rolling down your cheek as you gasp for air,
limbs trembling as you pull at your hair.
Sanity escaping ...
from this hole that is gaping,
soul aching,
heart breaking.
Tears well up, lips quiver
knuckles white, spine shivers.
Memories flood,
boiling blood,
heart dragged through mud.
It felt like heaven when you were in my arms,
where does that leave me now that you're gone?
Backs turned,
I've been spurned,
love given, never returned.
Guts churn, heart burns.
Tied in knots, so many words;
no voice, no sound
no adjectives, no pronouns
no syllables, can't pronounce.
By myself,
without anyone else.
Descending into darkness, all alone;
forever without hope, without the love you've shown.

(Yell to the future)

12:09am 15/01/2016
  "Protect your head
and protect your heart."
I say it proudly with a gut full of lead
and a back full of darts.

It wasn't long ago that I couldn't even fathom,
I knew that falling head over heels for you was inevitable.
I never dreamed you'd have this much passion,
or leave me feeling so incredible.

Laying next to you I try to find the words to make you understand,
but the devil has me by the throat.
I keep trying to vocalize these thoughts that drive me to take you by the hand,
and drink you up like an antidote.

But it's hard to grasp something when it's more than you've ever asked for;
someone complete and perfect and caring.
It's hard to tell someone how they're more than everything else, and they're the person you adore.
But pen to the paper you keep on writing, sharing.

At the end of the day the words I write can't tell you how I feel when our lips meet,
how I feel the clouds in my soul suddenly part.
I can only tell you about the way I feel more upbeat,
and like you may be the force that beats my heart.


(Yell to the future)

Life marches on   
04:49am 25/10/2015
  ( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )  

(Yell to the future)

10:24am 29/09/2014
  The other day I was sitting along.   I was tired, of thinking about how dissatisfied I am.  I was thinking about taking action, how there's nothing permanant in my life.  People come and go, relationships start and end, and even though I know that I'm either the cause or catalyst of every mishap in my tumultuous life, I am left wondering endlessly about how I can continue to endure the life that I have.

Most people don't get as many chances as me.  Nor do they have the amount of flukes / failures as I do.  The amount of times that I've "fallen from grace" and recovered by being smarter than others in the pack and getting ahead again.  But this time I feel like I don't have the motivation to pick myself up again.  I type on a $2500 computer system, sitting in a comfortable chair that costs hundreds of dollars, and yet I think to myself about how unfortunate I am.  The thoughts of failure terrify me.  But what am I supposed to do about that?   My only options are failure or success.  Fear isn't an option but that doesn't stop me from worrying about it.  I don't know if I can mentally take rebuilding and falling from grace again... I'm not sure what that would do to me.  But I suppose that there's only one way to find out.

It's either that or a gunshot to the head of my trepidation.   Either way, it'll be a gunshot.

(Yell to the future)

As the sky tumbles.   
01:54pm 20/07/2014
  Ya know, it's somewhat funny to me. Everything seems to be getting better for me, while simultaneously falling apart.

I had a minor fender...bender. Well wait. It really wasn't much in the way of bending. I hit at such a low speed that there wasn't so much as a dent in either car, HOWEVER, there was a little bit of traded paint and a tad of scratching... so there's that. A $400 deductible and a little paperwork, whatever.

Unemployment ran out, so now I'm on a tight rope with no net. I know this feeling. I've been here before... It's the polar opposite of fun.

My computer keeps having issues. It's either the video card or the motherboard... but it's being devilishly hard to pin down. I've swapped out my GTX780 for a spare R9 270x that I've been meaning to sell. Things are more stable but they still aren't great perfect. I'm not sure if I should attribute that to a bigger problem, or if I should go ahead and attribute that to bad luck. Who knows, who cares.

But there's bigger problems. I've historically found myself cheating in the past for a variety of reasons. Unhappiness, thrill, boredom, etc. The common thread between every time I ever cheated was the feeling of butterflies in my stomach. Something about knowing that what I was doing was...I don't even know. There was just this sense of anticipation that made me excited, and invigorated. The other day I was in a situation like that. I could have cheated, but didn't... why? Because the butterflies are dead. I get no excitement. Not from sex. Not from anticipation. Not from cheating. Not from being loved or revered.

I started on Zoloft not long ago. I took precisely 1 pill, got bad dry mouth, then proceeded not to take them anymore... Maybe I should. I'm in a pretty deep depression and the list of things I "should do" are really starting to pile up. I should:

-Call back my therapist and make an appointment
-Clean my basement (living room / bedroom)
-Buy new linens for the bed
-Make out an invoice for work performed for clients this week
-Make updates to any of my websites, probably excel since it's so horribly outdated
-Take my zoloft
-Start to mend broken relationships (Blake is currently upset at me, and rightfully so).
-Figure out what's really wrong with my computer
-Figure out what's really wrong with me.
-Make a new gym playlist
-Actually go to the gym more often (been about 4-5 times this month... need to go a lot more than that...)
-Sell the backup video cards I have
-Replace the broken video card.
-Set up a budget / food plan to assume minimal income for the next few months.
-Find a "real" job.
-Find some new friends in my area so I stop being such a hermit.
-Play my guitar more.
-Follow through with things that I plan.
-Get out of the house more often.
-Do the rest of my laundry

But the fucked up thing is... I see a list like this. I know that all of these are good things to do... I know that I should totally do them. I should ABSOLUTELY get these things done. Most of them are basic, and wouldn't take much effort... but I feel swamped. I feel like I'm just being crushed by something bigger than me. All the time. I feel pressure and I can't seem to get away from it. I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of acting okay. I'm really not. But how do you tell anyone that.

(Yell to the future)

Once upon   
03:03am 24/11/2013
  Passions have past me,
writing out revelations
has left me feeling empty.
Gunshots in the head of my trepidation.
Paths eliminated from the road I walk,
straight and narrow what was once winding,
Cut off my tongue, I'll never talk.
Stagnating vines grasp at my ankles, binding.
This broken path where the sun is bleak,
My spine shivers with thoughts ahead,
My soul is left tattered and weak,
Fear clutches my soul, dread.

Clutching to where the dreams used to be;
remembering all the places I used to see.
Pick me up from this dark place.

Pain so deep in my bones,
my soul dying I reach out
obliviously you flip your hair

Purge my soul -- my life's out of control.

(Yell to the future)

So I feel like it's been forever   
12:11am 03/08/2012
  Because it has. Fast-travel back for the last 10 or so months.

The long story short, I ended up dating Brittany, and fucked that up horribly. She's still living here, but I feel terrible about the things that I've done to her. I feel these horrid regrets that swirl around me and cloud every nice thing I do. I'm working a better job at a better company making better money... but I'm still empty.

And I can't fix what I've broken. Which really sucks.

I'm pretty much out of luck.

But even now she's hurting me. Going through my things, invading my privacy, and just generally stalking me. It's out of fear and I know that I'm doing a shitty job of assuaging her fears.

I hate feeling guilty all the time. I wouldn't mind feeling good for once.

(Yell to the future)

11:31am 09/09/2011
  2 days later.

Brittany and I made up on Wednesday night... she told me everything would be okay. That she'd talk to Branden and call it off... that she'd be mine.

Last night; after she'd met with him, she told me once and for all that she couldn't be with me.

Now I'm all alone again.... tossed away like so much other garbage.

and now I'm all alone again.

All her promises are broken.

All her fears manifested in her.

All my fears came true.

The cycle repeats itself.

(Yell to the future)

04:22pm 07/09/2011
  Feeling violent, out of control... like the old me. Not good.  

(Yell to the future)

Suspicions confirmed:   
01:50pm 07/09/2011
  Brittany was lying to me and seeing someone else. I'm less mad about the second part than I am the first. I have made it so well known that I'm against her lying to me...

I can't even write this right now. I feel sick. Nanny bought me some food from a Chinese place. I managed to eat 2 bites of it.

Why should I feel this way?

(Yell to the future)

Is today the day?   
12:52pm 05/09/2011
  I feel a hurt in my soul that I can't explain away with words, actions, or thoughts. I feel like I've put all my eggs in one basket then proceeded to kick the basket down some stairs. Everything is covered with the slimy contents of broken eggs. The only thoughts that come to mind when someone would see something like that are "useless", "disgusting", "awful", "horrible". Perhaps in describing the aforementioned mess I've done lots to describe myself; how I feel, and how I feel my life is going.

I have so little left for me aside from my integrity. I've never lied about anything of importance (well, except to an employer), which leads me to thinking; what has this gained me? What have I learned about being honest? That it sucks, that it's a waste of time, effort, and in the end you get fucked.

I don't have to look back very far into my past to learn that I'm just not that interesting, that I'm just not that captivating, and that I'm just not what anyone fucking needs.

Maybe I should remove myself from the equation and see if I get anyone's attention that way. I think my biggest fear would be that if it didn't. What if I killed myself and noone cared at all? What if noone even noticed? What if people were relieved?

I can sit here for hours and think about what the world would be like without me in it, but I can't help but thinking that the outcome would be a net gain for pretty much everyone.

(Yell to the future)

03:47am 02/09/2011
  I've been looking for jobs online, and it sort of makes me want to die more than I already do, let me show you:

"7-15+ years of professional experience at a SOFTWARE PRODUCT company (this is important)." -- This was pulled from a job I was interested in. 7-15 years, That means I would've had to have been with a software PRODUCT company since 2004, but preferably since 1996, I was 11 at that point.

I give up.

(Yell to the future)

07:41pm 29/08/2011
  Lost has changed. Not for the better.

I feel a strange mixture of being alive, and dead at the same time.

I can't stop listening to the song "Passive" by A Perfect Circile -- "Maybe you're better off this way" resonates with me.

I was just filling out a job application and I noticed how I've been dead in the water for the last 3 years, ever since I came back. I've been doing nothing. School. This is going nowhere. I feel like I'm suffocating, like life is literally choking the life from me, and every time I try to breath in it squeezes a little tighter. Like the little brittle fingers are wrapped around my throat and I'm too weak to pry them off.

I was sitting on the couch earlier today, a beautiful girl on my lap, and as she ran her hands through my hair I had a brief (2 seconds maybe) panic attack where my mind sort of daydreamed in vivid detail what would happen if she decided to jam her thumbs into my eye sockets and kill me right then and there. I could feel her nails tearing through the soft, gelatinous tissue of my inner eye. I hid my discomfort well. I feel like I can't tell people shit like this. What would they think if they knew I had these flashes. These moments of intense fear that manifest from nowhere?

I can feel myself slipping away, and some of the time I feel like I shouldn't even reach out to grasp and pull myself back. It would be so much easier to let myself die. To stop caring, to stop having ANY emotional connection to anyone, for any reason.... Because to die would be to stop feeling the way that I do now. To stop having that sickening bile feeling in my stomach while my head is spinning. An end to confusion, to pain, to the suffering that I continue to -endure....

I feel off tonight, like nothing matters. It would feel better to stop being here...

(Yell to the future)

03:08am 14/05/2011
  I figure I could stand to write while I'm having this moment of clarity.

I'm a bastard. Perhaps on more than one level, but before I continue I suppose I should cover that statement in a bit more depth.

I've been tormented for so long about so many things that I've forgotten that sometimes you need to stop thinking and look within yourself. I forgot the other half of that advice: "But if you can't find the answers within, then they'll come to you on their own." I've spent years caught in an endless feedback loop that has been damaging me and the people around me, because I was hurt a long time ago. I'm no better because of it, I'm no happier, and I'm certainly no smarter as a result.

I've come out knowing myself, and distrusting everyone else.

Even the people with the best of intentions get a sidelong glance from me now, and I wish I could shake that feeling that I have about everyone else.

But I know just what to say, words come to me from somewhere far away and they just form these beautiful, persuasive sentences. They don't necessarily reflect exactly how I feel, but they seem to accomplish my goals entirely too often.

That isn't the reason I'm a bastard though.

The reason I'm a bastard is that I don't understand where the power for these words comes from. For so long I've been externally strong, but collapsing in on myself. Yet my words move mountains in myself and others. I've been trying to help others lately, and I feel like it heals myself.

My words are still venomous to the people that I dislike, and my actions are still rife with barbs. But at the end of the day I realize that violence; verbal or physical, isn't going to solve the issues that I face. Winning every fight is far from important to me now.

For now, I want to learn. I want to better myself, and the people around me. We're all broken, and I don't seek to fix any of you, I only want to make you all understand that being broken is much more beautiful than the alternative.

At the end of the day, I think that I'm ready to change something big about my life, I'm still up in the air about what though.

(Yell to the future)

03:18am 13/05/2011
  For a long time I've told myself that I had a lot of things to work though.... Maybe I'll actually get through them at some point.

Maybe not.

(Yell to the future)

The sum of my parts   
03:09am 11/04/2011
  Passive aggressive parenting,
questions met with cold stares.
One parent alive, but dead to me.
The other alive, dead, and too far to reach; not that it would matter.

I spent my early years the victim of abuse from all angles.
It's like a fixing a bug in a computer program, a 'knock' error.
You fix one thing, but it shows up without warning somewhere else.
Just when I feel like I've plugged all the leaks in my persona, one springs up.

I try to explain psychosomatic pain to others...
Searing memories that can tear the world of anyone else asunder...
But the truth of the matter is, these are mine. For me and only me to know.
And I like it that way. Noone else knows these moments I endure.

I remember when things made sense. I was an awkward kid.
I spent my time trying to better understand why the world hated me, and no girl would love me.
But then things changed. Sometime around when I was 18, the world because so.... beautiful.
I didn't have any enemies, there was no popularity contest, there was no fear of rejection.

All there was in the world was.... concern of where I would eat or sleep. Most of the time that settled itself.
Not to say that I didn't spend my fair share of nights in the gutter, or on the porch of the Cigsya house.
But the abuses of the past were gone. I didn't have to worry about being molested; or left totally, utterly, alone.
My days were full of sunshine.... or at least in hindsight.

But as the sun set on the apex of my life, I stood wondering, is this it?
Every woman I'd met had just fallen into my lap, every love I'd known was one of convenience and not of actual attraction.

But this is what I wanted. Looking back I ask myself if somewhere along the line I might have cheapened who I am.
I'm left wondering what I would be like if I held myself to a higher moral standard. Or had some basic ethical foundation.
But here I am. 25 years after my unceremonious birth. Not happy, not sad... just here. Existing.
Everyone seems proud of me. Perhaps because I can string together words better than they could.

Or perhaps it's because I'm finally "doing something with myself".
But what does that really mean? I ask myself over a cup of tea. What am I making, what is my goal?
I come back to the same answer over and over again which leads into something else entirely.
I want to be successful, I want to make money, and I want people to love me.

But then I ask: "Is money a measure of success, or is happiness?" Because if happiness is the measure...
Then I've been weighed and measured and I'm left wanting.
And if money is the goal, then what is it that I desire that I don't already possess?
I have somehow amassed the affection of a few young ladies that are way beyond my league.

What confuses me most about this is that I've done it without money... so the money and the affection thing seem to be relatively unnecessary. The success might already be taken care of...
I don't have anything so to speak of; but I don't want any more than I have. Just books.
But for some reason, despite my equilibrium, intellect, and choice of mates, I'm still utterly alone.

I want so badly to understand what it is inside me that's spoiling everything else.
I want to rip it from the depths of my gut where it resides and feel it pulse in my hand as I squeeze my lifeblood from it.
But perhaps this is another issue with being the sum of my parts. That some of my parts are rotted and dying.
Some of me; is just not fit to continue on.

But in the end, I keep on keeping on. I keep moving. Not because I want to, because I need to.
I keep doing.... something. In hopes that if I do it I'll feel something.
I find myself standing in water holding electrical appliances wondering if I'll finally feel a spark.
Because sometimes it's easier to think that the only time I'll feel alive is when I'm dead.

I wish you could wrap your arms around me and make me feel alive again. But soon it would go away, even if you stayed here.
And I think that it's me that needs to come to understand that you couldn't accept who I really am anyways.
Soon I'll have to go on, and even if there's no footprints in the snow that lead you back to me, I'll be waiting.
Because even though it might not mean anything to you, I hold those moments dear.

(Yell to the future)

06:24am 04/04/2011
  Ever faster the world whips by
counting the days since he last peered into your eyes.
he found himself wishing things were easier; for that's what we all dream of
but alone in silence we speak in euphemisms about love.

In impotence a suggestion is raised, and subsequently declined
for these requests are outlandish, certain to be denied.
But denial is the last on his list of fears,
But his palms are sweaty, and his lips are wet, in darkness it was easy to hide the tears.

Lashing out was always the simple solution to complex situations.
But this was more complicated, the end-all, be-all of infatuation.
Waiting on bated breath he began to suffocate;
But the offers to help you regardless resonate.

But when the dawn came he found himself standing alone.
He found his lips bloodied by reaping what he'd sewn.
Thoughts drifted to the curves that he couldn't bring himself to regret;
beautiful and painful, wishing it would be more easy to forget.

She left her mark, and time itself rotted away what he was prior;
She did more damage than he could have ever done to himself; purification by fire.
Truth exposed; his gift to her, she turned and walked away.
Then his Demons came to surface, begging her to stay.

But it was all to no avail, so he was pushed to his limit.
He questioned how far he was willing to go, and decided this was well within it.
He sharpened the blade and wished for it all to disappear
Shouting at nothing in a dark basement, 2am, hands on his head, covering his ears.

Tears slid from his eyes once again, but this time they were of rage
"If I can't have her, noone can; it's time to turn the page"
Her smiling face never left his thoughts as he tore her throat apart
He painted the ground with her blood, and looked down at his hands, this was love, this is art.

Clenched fists he turned and walked;
once again with all these violent thoughts.
His hand caressed the blade he wanted so badly to introduce her to
Once again in the silence his pain was renewed.

Holding tight the knife he dreamed of relief.
He imagined how he could quick it would end as he pulled it from it's sheath.
Breathing labored everything beings turning to black,
Blood is pooling, vision fading, there is no turning back.

His final thought about her lips pressing against his that first time;
he wanted so badly to tell her; but he never found the right rhyme.
He tried to tell her so many ways;
he overdid it, his hand was overplayed.

He left a final note to her and it read:
"Disregard everything I ever said"

(Yell to the future)

04:22am 28/03/2011
  I feel like I should be writing here, not because I have something to say, but for the exact opposite reason.

In the past I've felt overwhelmed and my misery comes from being overwhelmed. I've felt alone, restless and unhappy with the seemingly endless quantity of work that I need to output; and the toll it takes on various friendships that I try to maintain.

But lately I've felt the need to do nothing at all. I feel like they say you do right before you drown, as your lungs are filled with water and you realize you are going to die. The fear subsides as you start to become delirious from exhaustion. Your last moments are of quiet acceptance, and tranquility.

I feel exhausted, and despite having more work to do; I don't care.

I have 2 weeks to effectively "learn" java. Don't get me wrong I know quite a bit because I have an implicit understanding of other Object oriented programming languages, so it all builds off that; but in the end it's still quite different. I have 1 week to negotiate with my other teacher about dropping her class because I am NOT going to miss dean's list because she's fucking psychotic about grading. I have 8 weeks of adv c++ homework to do, accounting due tonight and I work all day....

And frankly, I don't care. Not about any of it. Part of me wishes I could just be done with school entirely. I tire of feigning personal growth to further inflate the egos of my teachers. I am the same now as I have been throughout. Hell, I faked a problem with split infinitives and false parallelism in my freshman English comp. I class just to make it seem like I learned something by the end. It's fair to assert that I didn't learn too much.

At the end of the day though, I'm left wondering about my direction in life. Assuming that I pull off the challenges that face me this time I question whether or not I'll be any closer to any of my goals. It seems like without any type of satisfaction in my personal life, that I can't really be happy with my scholastic achievements.

My peers at school are useless, moronic, diluted fools that just go to school because it's 'what you're supposed to do.' But I suppose if that makes people moronic that I must be wearing an oversized drool cup. I'm in school mainly because I figure that when the chips fall it's pretty much necessary in the CS field. But I also know that I could probably just start writing programs and be in business tomorrow and making a profit by the years end if I REALLY wanted to.

But like usual I find myself being as water; traveling the path of least resistance. I am left wondering where all this leads.

Meanwhile; I feel myself struggling internally. I'm angry, upset, and unable to let go of something.

Perhaps I should sleep, it is 4:30am after all.

School, work, home, homework, sleep, rinse, repeat.

(Yell to the future)

01:47pm 27/03/2011
  And then my blood spattered everywhere, dousing the highway crimson.

Someone has an awful mess to clean up.

(Yell to the future)

04:03pm 17/03/2011
  I suppose the thing that hurts the most is that I thought it would be better now than it was then.

I've never missed someone as much as I missed her (Well, that might be a bad use of the word never) and now I think I miss her even more now that I've seen her.

Today was lovely, painful, and beautiful all at the same time. I feel inspired to create something beautiful, and then destroy it.

(Yell to the future)

Once upon a dream   
02:49am 14/02/2011
  These past few weeks while the FBI have been investigating me.... I've felt so very.... empty. Numb. Like things are about to come to an abrupt halt. Things were going pretty well before all this happened. I was stressed about work, school, and a hard semester.... now I'm stressed about jail, people tearing through my shit (my horrible, terrible nightmares of privacy invasion are all coming true in the most vivid forms.)

I'm just left.... wanting.

Wanting to wake up to all of this being a nightmare. Wanting to wake up to all of this being.... somehow made up, or just something I hallucinated.

I feel like I'm moments away from snapping and breaking apart. I feel like everything is becoming too much... I don't know what to do. I feel like I should be doing something better... I feel like I should be much more self-sufficient, much more self-reliant, and much more prepared to face to world around me.

Solar wind.

(Yell to the future)

A moment of introspection:   
10:13am 06/01/2011
  It's not often that I get time to look within myself, but the
holidays are one of the few times where there is little to do, and too
much time to think.

I found myself envying my friends today, the ones with 'perfect' families.

My mom threw me out for the first time when I was 15, got her first
(of 3) restraining orders against me when I was 16. The police knew
that I would never hurt my mom, psych records showed that she wasn't
stable enough to be granted an emergency 209(a) without a hearing
either... but they'd always grant them to her. Effectively it was her
way of changing the locks without being charged with negligence.

I've only written the following story once, because it's not something
that I really...think is that special, but it's been on my mind so I
figured that I would share it.

While walking through South Station in Boston (waiting 3 hours for a
connecting train to Worcester) I met a beggar by the name of 'Fast
Eddy'. Fast Eddy was a rather hideous man, black as the ace of spades,
teeth rotting out of his head from meth use, and without a pot to piss

I have this habit of connecting with the dregs of society, since I
myself have been not only homeless, but a criminal in the past. So he
started by coming up to me and saying 'I bet you that I can tell you
three things if you'll give me a dollar (it was a 3 part riddle,
something about the state you were born in (A state of infancy), where
you got your shoes (You got your shoes on your feet and one other
thing.). I told him after he told me his riddle that unfortunately I
didn't have a dollar, but I had a debit card and 3 hours to burn
before I had to catch my train to Worcester, so I invited Fast Eddy
out to lunch with me. I walked over three blocks with him to a
restaurant called 'Shabu Zen'. It's a delicious Chinese food
restaurant that serves 'hot pot' style cuisine.

He ended up eating a LOT, 3 platters of beef and 3 bowls of Udon
later, he started to loosen up a little bit.

Turns out that Fast Eddy has a masters degree in economics. He lost
his wife in a car accident 3 years earlier and turned to drugs to kill
the pain. What started out as weed and hard liquor turned into coke,
meth, and speed. He was living in a homeless shelter and had nothing
but the clothes on his back... he spent all his money panhandling on
hookers booze, drugs and hotels to do the above.
We sat for a while, after we finished eating before we walked back to
South Station, I asked him what he would do now, if he had the chance
to turn things around. Eddy looked right at me and said that he
couldn't turn things around, he couldn't get over his losses. I asked
about his family... His mom lives in South Carolina from what he
confessed, and his Dad passed away 6 months before his Wife. I asked
him when the last time he talked to his mom was, he told me 3 and a
half years ago.

I thought to myself about the amount of money that I had in my bank
account.... $650 was approximately what I had in my checking, savings
was pretty low too. I asked him if he had any interest in going home,
to see his mom and get out of the harsh New England winter. He told me
time and time again that he couldn't go back to living with his mom,
he was 34 years old and his pride couldn't take the hit...
I pointed out to him that he was strung out on meth, and I want to put
him on a bus back home so he can get better. He teared up as soon as I
said it and kept saying, "thank you" as he hugged me. It was a long,
somewhat awkward hug for me... not because I didn't feel like I was
doing what was right... but because I was doing what any decent human
being would. Before I put him on the Bus I cashed out all buy $40 of
my checking account and went to a few stores to get him some
respectable clothing. He ended up looking a lot more human once he
shaved, washed up, and got into some clean clothing.
I pulled out my cell phone and told him to call his mom, and to tell
her that he's coming home. The phone call lasted a little over 20
minutes, which made me end up missing my train, I didn't really care
at this point. I knew that even if this man went back to drugs... that
for this brief moment, he was happy.

I put him on that bus Feb 23rd 2006, I got a letter with a picture 6
months ago. It was (Fast) Eddy, his mom, his fiance' and their newborn
child in the picture. In with the letter was a note it read: "Once,
you told me that if I ever needed help you were just a call or a
letter away. Now I'm writing you to tell you that it was your help
that has saved me from myself. God bless you..."
It went on into more personal details about his old meth habits, his
new girlfriend, his relationship with his mom, his new job, and his
new life.

I never told anyone this because I don't see it as doing anything
spectacular... I bought someone lunch, a bus ticket to go home, new
clothing and let him call his mom. I don't see why we as people can't
be more civil to those in need... Which brings me back to my point.

I get jealous of people who have these perfect families... It's hard
for me to think that all I have for all the good that I've done in my
life is a mom who ruined my youth, a brother that molested me, and a
distant family that can't forgive me for my past.

Such is life.

(1 %shead A tear | Yell to the future)

11:43am 04/01/2011
  The closer we get the further away I feel.

But what I'm really afraid of is who I am when noone else is around. Perhaps there's just nothing left to me without you.

(Yell to the future)

04:58am 02/01/2011
  It pains me more to think that you're gone than it does to imagine you hating me. That with nothing done wrong, it still wasn't enough.

I wish that things could be perfect, then I could be perfect for you... and someday, we'd be perfect together.

(Yell to the future)

12:47am 30/12/2010
  I wish you were here, so I could feel again.

It's always worst during the holidays.

(Yell to the future)

I want for nothing, and I'm ready for noone.   
04:43pm 19/12/2010
  I went to target today... I got some really odd looks while I was there too... It makes you feel welcome in the world when people look at you like "Who is this motherfucker?!".

But the reason I went there is because my mom wanted to know what I wanted for Xmas... So I trudged over there, thinking about things that I could reasonably ask for.

When I was in there I realized that I really don't want anything... I'm pretty happy with what I have right now. I want a piano so I can start playing again. I want a guitar so I can practice more.... but in terms of reasonable items to ask someone for, I came up really blank. It was mildly depressing.

When I got home I had a message from this girl that I work with. Something about her word choice when writing emails to me has left me REALLY confused about if she's into me or not... Just what I needed; another riddle to unfold unfavorably.

But what I was thinking of earlier is a question that's been lingering in the back of my mind for a long time now. Even if I met the perfect person that had everything I wanted. Intellect, money, independence, wit, humor, beauty, and was amazing in bed... would I be able to be with her? I came back at a loss. I don't really think I could because of how used to being alone I am. When you spend your life growing up as an outsider and then suddenly you're in the spotlight, it feels wrong.

I grew up alone. There were fleeting moments where I felt like I meant something, but it wasn't until I was about 18 that it made sense to me. I finally started to gain back some confidence... I faked the rest. But then right when I was starting to become human again, I ended up in jail. And that really ripped the rug out from under me. I got out, looking and feeling better than I ever had before. But I came out changed. And I tried so hard when I was with Tanya; to make things work... to make her happy. But in the end my privacy and her lack of respect for it ruined things; and since then, I've been alone. Almost 4 years.

But I'm still not ready. I want to be, because I long and yearn for something that doesn't end as abruptly as it started... but I'm feeling like Jenn has worked her way out of my life, and I see the time clocks ticking above all the other relationships that I try to maintain with friends and lovers alike.

As a sidenote, I've never felt less Christmasy before. I have a final right before Xmas and it's my hardest class.... so it's like *UGH*.

I miss her.
But it doesn't much matter anymore, because even though I don't want her to be just a memory, I think that's what she'd prefer.

(Yell to the future)

Random thoughts.   
03:42am 19/12/2010
  This time, this very moment symbolizes how sometimes, my emotions get the best of me.

I feel like I've been abandoned again. I wake up clawing at myself, dreaming that this pain would just be something that wouldn't leave. Something that wouldn't lie, something that wouldn't cover up motives with thin veils of concern.

I dream of waking up with the light cascading in small pillars through closed curtains. Seeing tiny patches illuminated by the morning sun but feeling your warmth next to me in the darkness; but this time without the fear of touching you.

But, in the end, it's just a dream, and I'm left wallowing in my past; thinking about what it was to be alone, utterly alone. I keep flashing back to my brother and all the abuses that I suffered there. I want to go back to a time before when I understood all the ramifications of it. A time back before it mattered like it did now. A time back when I thought I was just born with issues, and didn't link one with the other.

I want to go back to a time when I could just let people walk away because I genuinely didn't care... but now even when I'm silently watching someone walk away, my heart is breaking. And the only thing I hate more than this feeling, is how much I hate myself for feeling it.

I feel like I'm totally without direction.... Like I don't have any reason to be in school, or to be happy... or to really feel accepted.

All I do now is count the days; the days left until you'll be back, so maybe I can feel like there isn't something missing.

The worst part of all this is that I know I'm a fool to hang on, but my knuckles are still white.

(Yell to the future)

Dear you,   
09:30pm 11/12/2010
  I keep thinking back to how long it's been since I last saw you. I feel like it's been years; like I can still feel you in my bones... like I can still feel you pressed against my lips.

I want you to get back sooner than later, but more importantly I want things to be perfect... but not planned out 'perfect'. I want this to be something organic that grows into something that consumes both of us violently. I want something to destroy what I am and make me into something more beautifully intricate than I can fathom. I want you to be the apple of my eye, but distant enough not to make me hate you for your affection.

Every time you answer a question I have 3 or 4 more that takes its place. It's frustrating in a that leaves me speechless and wanting more. I miss you.

(Yell to the future)

01:18am 10/12/2010


(Yell to the future)

A thought before bed...   
01:15am 10/12/2010
  Today I sat in calc III, wondering where the fuck the f(x)=(sec)2^2n-6^xn^2 came from, and the next thing I knew class was being dismissed. I thought that I was in class for about 30 minutes, max. It definitely didn't feel like a full hour and change. Then I realized I spent the whole class imagining killing myself. Not because I really want to die, it's just because I got stuck imagining the faces of the people that barely knew me as they realized that my brains and upper spinal column were now decorating the white board.

I figure that it would give meaning to a lot of meaningless lives. People would be confused and disturbed, they would wonder what went so wrong to drive me to want to hurt myself so much... what's strange about all this, is that I'm happy. Well, for me anyways.

(Yell to the future)

12:53am 08/12/2010
  I wrap my brain around these new thoughts, these new ideals but I find myself stuck in these same old ruts around this time of year.

I remember back to what it was like... back when I wasn't so alone, or so miserable. Back when I didn't have to run so fucking hard from who I was as a human being. Back when I didn't have to fight so hard to forget the things that make me want to die every time I open my eyes in the morning.

I want so badly to cry, but I don't feel strong enough to do so. I feel exhausted to the point where I feel as though a fell wind might carry my ashes into the nether; never to be seen again. That wind wouldn't even need to be a gale, perhaps not even a warm gust of wind in an autumn afternoon... no, even a breath from her would scatter everything, breaking it all irreparably.

I want so badly to feel loved... but not by all the usual suspects that do it already. I don't want to be loved by the lonely and the rejected. I don't want to be loved by the ignorant or the foolish. I don't want to be loved by the disfigured or the forgotten.

What I long for so badly is to be loved by someone who is loved. I don't want any sappy romance... I just want to feel her breath on my cheek and our legs as tangled as our hearts. I want to feel the tension between us again because for the few moments between when she showed up and when she left, I felt alive.

It's hard remaining alive when you feel so alone around the people you're surrounded by. It's hard not looking in the other room at the boxes of parabellum ammo. Imagining a loud noise, a flash of light and then quiet.

There's something to be said about people who are well liked killing themselves... they always look to mental illness as the cause. But that's just the problem, I'm not ill. I'm not sick. Why not look at society as the cause? Why not look at the general indifference that is omnipotent in modern society? If you're bleeding on the sidewalk, people will step over you or spit on you for being in their way rather than help you. We wage wars of ideology where we argue about how little we want to support the people that need the most help. How somewhow being in a low tax bracket makes you a lowlife...

We look down our noses at those who aren't like us... we judge so quickly based on absolutely nothing. The weight of my hypocrisy is unbearable to me... I want so badly to be someone else most of the time. Even if it's someone with less of a heart.

I feel like the younger me is coming back to life and this dying body wants nothing more than to extinguish that flame, that passion. I feel like over time I'm strangling myself, and like nothing can make it better. If I could disappear forever and leave none of you hurt, I would. I swear I would.

More writing, and eventually sleep... finals soon, no rest for the wicked.

(Yell to the future)

05:19am 22/11/2010
  Want to know what the worst feeling in the world is?

Finishing up some simple Algebra II (College Algebra) homework for a friend, then moving to your calc III homework.

Algebra II:
=(x-6)^2 +3
=(x-6+(-3)^2) +3
=(x-3)^2 -6

Pretty straightforward.

Calc III:

Edit: Totally got sick of trying to make it show up as text, so I screenshotted it.

As an aside, I can't get her out of my mind. That isn't helping matters.

I'm extremely sleep deprived... moreso than I think I've ever been.

(Yell to the future)

Roller coaster.   
05:44am 21/11/2010
  It's been really fucking confusing these last few weeks to decide what the fuck is actually going on in my life. Somewhere between multiplying matrices to plot amorphous shapes in 3 dimensions and waking up at 3pm and realizing "I only got 2 hours of sleep.... it's almost dark out" you start to question what's important to you.

I'm starting to realize that maybe my life isn't so bad after all... all it took was a really unexpected moment on Friday. A K D came up from behind me and wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek, then whispered "It'll all be better soon" in my ear. Then just walked away. It made me realize how sad I've been and over what? Maybe doing poorly in this course? Who cares.... I'll do my best and if worse comes to worse I'll retake it in semester 5.

I've been dreaming of "Her" touch... it really hasn't been too long since I last tasted her. I'm still lingering on the embrace before she left. I see her on Skype now, and I just want to pull her through the wires and feel her here next to me.

I wish that there was something I could do to make what I want manifest in my arms...

(Yell to the future)

I think....   
07:17am 17/11/2010
  That it's time to start distancing myself from reality a little bit more.

For too long I've spent my days and nights wrapped up in school, work, and the affairs of people that I don't really need to concern myself with. I think that it's important to get back to understanding and dealing with myself.

I've been so afraid of what I've been wanting lately. Because it's so violent and senseless and reckless... I want so badly to choke the life out of something beautiful with nothing more than the acidic thoughts that wreak such havoc in my mind. I want to kill you the way that siafu would; I want to crawl into your sinuses and wander about inside your head for a while before I find my way down your throat. Through sheer determination I'll fill you up, and soon enough you'll be unable to handle anything more. I'll find my way into your lungs and just my presence there will disrupt you... and soon enough you'll stop drawing breath, you will literally drown in me.

Perhaps I'm an insect.

In unrelated news and now metaphor-unladen! : Things in my personal life have been up in the air for a long while now, and I don't know what to do about it. I want what I can't have, I can't want what's not available, and I can't love what's not perfect.

Jenn and I...is an interesting topic that really needs a lot of clarification or else I'm going to absolutely lose my shit and beat someone to death.

At least I'm still breathing...

(Yell to the future)

11:12pm 16/11/2010
  I want to make you hurt the way that you make me hurt.  

(Yell to the future)

03:42am 08/11/2010
  I've found myself talking to someone new lately... I doubt it'll flower into anything worthwhile, but I still feel inclined to question the way that I portray myself.

When I give warnings about myself, I say things like "I'm not right for you" "I'll hurt you" "I'll fuck you up." "You're too good for me." Things like that... I think that each of those have a hidden subtext that I don't really get into deeper, because it seems so obvious to me.

"I'm not right for you" -- This means that I am not really the hugest believer in monogamy. I'll conform to it if I find someone who is really worth it, but I have wandering eyes... not a wandering penis. This drives a lot of people insane... they don't know how to handle their jealousy and before you know it... it's all downhill from here.

"I'll hurt you" -- This one is actually just as sinister as it sounds... I tend to hurt the people that I love. It's not something that I do intentionally, it's actually quite the opposite, but it's definitely my subconsciousness. You see... where I grew up there was no love, no security, no happy times that weren't followed by trauma. I am fucked up because of it; damaged goods, Return to vendor... etc. But somewhere deep down inside of me, when things start to get really good for me in a relationship or otherwise... I just want to die, to destroy every thing... everyone. It hurts me so much to feel good that I've stayed numb. I long to just be happy and really be that way.

"I'll fuck you up" -- When it comes to me, I'm very polarizing. There is not a single person in the world that would say "I'm pretty neutral about Damien" You either think I'm hilarious, or a total dick / douche. I'm totally okay with this. But if I have to give you this warning, you're probably rapidly moving to the "love" side... which I'm rather thrilled about. The downside is, everything to this point has been temporary, perhaps even fleeting... so there will come a time when I leave, and chances are good that it will fuck you up.

"You're too good for me" -- This sounds like it's more a stab at my own self worth, but it's usually not. I tend to be externally narcissistic and internally self-degrading; so people who don't know me too well just assume that I'm a megalomaniac. This one is actually about you. This one really means "There is something about you that is too sweet, too nice, or too innocent that I will corrupt, fuck up, destroy, and break so that noone else on the planet can ever enjoy it. I don't mean to... but I just can't help myself" When I say this I truly admire the trait that I fear fucking up. I really like you that way, and I don't want it to change... but I know that I'll taint you... I know that I'll infect you with whatever it is that I harbor. I want you to stay as you are, and I want your smiles to be broad, I tread on a path with tears in my wake. I will hurt you.

Lastly I'd like to leave this post by saying something that's been in my thoughts for a while:

When someone is torn between 2 choices, 2 people... two anythings, it's not noble for you to try to remove yourself from the situation. It doesn't save me ANY pain, and it doesn't resolve anything. Because in essence I'm now without something that I wanted hard enough to create the dilemma in the first place. It's not fair to anyone involved, not to me for being indecisive, not to "you" for being in the middle, and not to the other "you" for sharing your pain. But what should I do? No matter how I play it, I can't be with anyone, so I'm alone no matter what. Let's pretend just for a time that things between us are happier than they are.

I wish everything could just be okay... I wish that this semester was over... I wish that I could be in your arms right now... I miss you terribly already.

(Yell to the future)

04:18am 05/11/2010
  I watch old movies to try to feel the way I did about them the first time. I suppose that I've been doing the same thing with my life a lot lately. I look back into my old memories, hoping to feel, to live, or to breathe the life that I once thought I had.

But it's strange, despite my school situation (more specifically my math situation), I should be happy... but I can't be. I have the affection of a few lovely ladies, I have the opportunities I've waited my whole life for looming on the horizon, and I have the luck that any gambler would give their life for...

But I'm miserable, and I've finally realized why. I am miserable because I am happy. This might seem a little counterintuitive, but I assure you that it's not. When I'm happy, I'm okay, but in the moments after it subsides, in the stillness that comes after a day where I feel fulfilled, I fear that I may never feel that way again. That I'll never be filled with emotions that overflow from my subconsciousness and paint my reality with a splash of color for a change. I fear that never again will I have the chance to smile broadly again. And I think of what my life will be like without you. I feel trapped, and my soul struggles against my consciousness as I try to escape this husk of where my dreams used to reside.

I've often found myself asking, what would it take for me to be happy, and tonight I learned that answer, it will take me knowing that I have a happiness that is tangible, and something that can embrace and surround me and keep me, no matter what I do, or who I am.

I suppose I'm writing this to remind myself that it won't be a who that fixes me, but a what. The what might include a who, but cannot rest solely on a person. After 25 years my life has started to resemble a revolving door. People come, people go; the memories remain. I think that's the worst of it. My mind has this way of removing myself from a number of the things that I've been through, forgetting about the arguments where I was wrong; where I was clearly at fault and only remembering the outcome. The loss of a friend.

Take for example Salay. There are probably countless notations of her in here; because for a time, she meant something to me. I knew that something happened between us, and it was bad, I just didn't recall what that something was. I talked with Kavitha and she reminded me of why Salay won't even talk to me... and I honestly don't blame her.

I seduced both Salay and Kavitha, best friends. Not because I wanted to per-say... but because it was what came to me at the time. Back then I was so insecure; so scared of being alone, so terrified of what it meant to be without someone... and I was clearly just using Kavitha to drive Salay to do something... and it worked, marvelously... until I moved.

When I moved I just totally broke contact with everyone, and I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone for a long while. What would I have said "Oh, I'm living with a gay dude that tries to molest me every chance he gets... No, it's cool, I'm going to keep living here because I have nowhere else to go and noone on the planet to turn to." I know that at the time I had my reasons, but I still know that I did wrong too. I suppose it was somewhere around the time when I was busy trying to fuck Salay that I should've been telling her that she wouldn't hear from me for a while.

But that's me, I fuck things up; often. I don't really want to, but it happens. Everything starts off as a plan, and sometimes my plans really work out; sometimes too well. Take for instance Jenn.

With Jenn, I didn't really have any intentions, until I laid eyes on her, and then I knew that I would kill for her affection; because she was just so different. When we first hung out we were both unavailable on a variety of levels...and acted that way... but somewhere along the line I feel like I influenced it, like I willed things to turn out this way; because at the end of the day, what could be more safe than keeping your mind on someone far away?

But there's still something about her that really calls out to me... When you're there in person, it's like she glows a little brighter than everyone else. Like she's cleaner, and more open than everyone else in the room. Even when she's not talking, she's saying so much... just a quiet understanding that forces you to feel comfortable... a hand running through my hair, and her soft voice..

But I feel like she's drifting away. I know that she's not, hell I know that if she is, it's because I'm smothering her. But then again, I do that.

I just don't really know what to do, or say, or feel..

And so once again, I feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. I wish something in my life would feel more than temporary....

(Yell to the future)

What is it?   
02:27am 13/10/2010
  To hurt, constantly?

For something, or everything to just not be enough.

I've spent my entire life being goal oriented... and never once did something come together as planned. I'm starting to learn it's not because the motions haven't been right, it's because of who I am as a person. I haven't felt happiness in a long time... and when I do it's.... fleeting.

I wish that there was some compromise, where I could give away who I am, and just for a moment be like everyone else. Wired so I could sleep, relax, or just feel comfortable in my own skin. Rather than sleeping a few hours a night, and feeling that lump in my throat like I'm experiencing ever moment of rejection I've ever felt, back to back.

Perhaps it's because of how I was raised, or who I was raised by. Perhaps it had more to do with the other factors involved, but all of that is just bullshit anyways, because it's not who's at fault, but the fact that I'm here now that's bothering me.

I've considered dropping out this semester. I really can't hack this math class. For the longest time I told myself that there was a certain beauty about numbers and how math integrates all the beauty of nature into the calculation of those numbers. But it's lost on me now... we're so far removed from real numbers that it's extremely rare to see a real number in an equation. It's almost entirely symbols now. The answers are scarcely about answering anything, and more about reducing to simplest forms, then deriving an answer based off of that. This isn't math, it's nitpicking.

I just don't know what to do... I can't sleep at night, I feel tired during my days, and I'm listless at best. I feel lonely even when I'm with people. Something's missing.

I wish there was an easy answer that didn't involve shooting myself in the foot.

(Yell to the future)

02:38am 08/10/2010
  This semester is turning out to be an interesting one... I feel like I'm drowning in my own expectations of self, all while being over my head in women, debt, and problems.

I suppose others have it worse than I do, because so many things in my life are stable, sturdy, and unchanging... I suppose that if nothing else I have that much to be thankful for...I have a place to live, food, and best of all, relative comfort.

But what I don't have is a connection, a spark.... someone that I can really bear my soul to. Part of me believes that she will eventually fill that void, and be the person who I start seeing... I don't WANT it to be that way...she's too far, too quiet... but when I'm around her, it's easy to be happy.

I feel like I'm missing something though... like I'm forgetting that there is some hidden subtext to everything that I want, and how it's somehow unattainable.

Part of me simply wishes that I was able to do more for those around me... but I don't orgasm money, so all my options are really drying up rapidly in that area.

I was told once that good things happen to good people... I am still waiting for evidence.

(Yell to the future)

How do I feel?   
02:14am 02/10/2010
  Jenn arrived in Utah a few hours ago, at least that's the assumption, I haven't heard from her for the majority of the day.

I don't really know how to feel, she's said a lot of things to me, and they all make me really feel like I should feel something, and I'm not sure what to feel...

I asked her "At what point did I jump from the friend zone to something more?" Her reply really sorta floored me:

"I honestly dont know. Probably realizing how easy it was to become comfortable with you, and then enjoying just kissing you more than expected. Its just easy being with you. Effortless happiness isnt something I've been exposed to much, especially recently."

I want to make her happy but now she's a world away, and she may never come back... and if she does so much could and probably will change between now and then. I don't know what to do about it... I want her. I want to feel the curve of her body and the way she tasted on my lips again.... I want to hear her voice in my ear, her nervous laugh.... all of it.

I feel like I'm missing something just by her being further away, and I hate it.

I hate not knowing when I'll see her again.... part of me wants to go to her.... but that's just totally unrealistic.

(Yell to the future)

03:05am 29/09/2010
  I am seriously starting to contemplate killing myself again...Once again a darkness in me has been growing, but this time it's a lot more intricate than before. I can feel it spreading and enveloping me... It comes with a hefty helping of failure (math test earlier, bombed it), hopelessness (Molly from my bio class blew me tonight), and a growing unhappiness with my circumstances...

I often wonder to myself exactly what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. What is it that I'm trying to gain or to prove?

I don't want to be me anymore, I don't want to be anyone. Perhaps that's why death is becoming so attractive. That way I don't have to be 'pretty' for anyone. I don't have to be looked at, or expected for anything anymore.

I'm so divided, I yearn for love and affection, but I hate the fact that I get it.

I wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up when I'm better.... I just fear that that will never happen.

I miss when things were easier...

And moreover, I'm going to miss her. Despite only hanging out with Jenn 3 times I really did feel something for her. It wasn't something that was going to turn into an AMAZING whirlwind love... but it was something that I don't have and I think I want. It was just so odd to have someone that would just sit and listen the way she did... it made me feel like someone actually gave a shit about me... like my words meant something, rather than how they are just an amalgamation of syllables that form something like a thought.

But now she's gone. Out of my life and out of my reach... for god knows how long.

What now?

(Yell to the future)

03:33am 26/09/2010
  Thoughts worth writing down have been really hard to come by lately.... but something came up that I really think is worth noting.

I know that it's nothing new, but I'm really interested in someone. There's just so much history, red tape, and fucking personal conflicts involved that it's just never going to happen (See chapter 227 in the book of me giving myself to unavailable women.)

It's Jenn.

I met up with her in person about 3 weeks ago. We went out to Pizza night with Andy and Co (Tin, Gabby, Al, etc.) and everything was cool. We passed out at about 2am, I had a bumpin' headache, but overall, it was cool. She was gone when I woke up... I was a little afraid that I wouldn't see her again.

This last Wednesday (it's now early Sunday morning) she came back over. We watched Choke, then Machete later in the night. We went out for 99 cent pizzas again at Emma's, and as usual, it was a good time. We got back home, finished the movie, and then we sat on the couch, just talking. I'd been very divided on how to feel about her up until this point.

The line from Choke kept running through my head... over and over again. "I've kept myself numb for so long that now I actually want to feel something and I can't." And for some reason, with this girl I really want to feel something, and what's scary and odd, is that I can. I really can feel something. It's not a good something, but it's better than the endless sea of nothing that lead me to where I am now.

Anyways, we're sitting on the couch talking, and I tell her a bit about my horrid dating history (Sara, Tanya, etc.)and she is, as always, an attentive listener. I really have no idea where I stand with this girl at this point. I can see in her eyes that she's attracted to me, but I knew she was still on the mend from her previous relationship. I didn't want to make the first move.

My hands were shaky, my palms were sweaty, my heart was skipping more beats than DJ fetish dolly when she tries to spin a set. She put her legs across me as we sat on the couch... I rubbed her legs for a while... kept talking. She commented about how noone ever rubs her, how it's always the other way around.

I moved behind her and started to rub her shoulders shortly thereafter. I suggested that we go into my room and I'll rub her back... well we did just that.

We went into my room and she took off her long-sleeve shirt and I straddled her back, she was still wearing a tanktop, but it was pulled down from the top / up from the bottom... she's very modest with her body which I would find to be VERY toned.

Well... I rub her back, shoulders, arms, and even her legs before I get a little tired and lay down next to her. The time was about 1am at this point... I knew that she wanted to get on the road... but with my hand resting on her hip I just couldn't let her go yet... So we kept talking. My hand endlessly running laps from her hip to her ribs and back... which isn't too big of a distance, considering the size of my hands and the size of her body.

This carried on for what felt like (and actually was) hours. We were cuddling with eachother... something I normally dislike doing for this long with someone I've never even so much as kissed...We were facing eachother, nose-to-nose, her leg over mine, my leg in between hers... my hand on her side.... Her breath on my cheek. I didn't want those moments to end. I was millimeters from her lips, and I was so nervous about kissing her that I couldn't stand it.

Finally, at about 4:30am, I did it, I kissed her. Her lips were soft, smooth, better than expected even. She kisses like I do... which is a welcome retreat from the last few people I've kissed. There was no tongue at all for the first few kisses... But in time I pushed the envelope there too...

It felt so good, to just be in bed kissing her. Sex wasn't really in my mind at all. Just feeling wrapped up in her, and being so close to her was, well, awesome. This carried on until about 5:40am, when she finally convinced me to let her go. She tossed the shirt back on, and got ready to leave. I pulled her down onto my couch and kissed her a few more times... and then I just looked at her... felt her close to me, and really took everything in. I was really happy for those few hours... Really, truly, happy.

But now the sun has set on the time I spent with her. And I'm not totally sure if I'll ever see her again. She's moving to Utah this coming week... and I've been going crazy trying to see her one more time...

She keeps repeating "When I come back, you'll be one of the first people to know."

Maybe I put in more than she did on this one.

Fucking stupid me.

(Yell to the future)

06:49am 22/05/2010
  Things have been getting worse. Externally everything is great, and I just can't put two and two together as to why I'm not great along with it.

I have this tremendous sorrow that I just can't shake, or understand at all. It feels like someone is standing on my tear ducts. I feel this overwhelming wave of guilt when I think back to all the 'should have beens' and 'could have beens' that I've let slip over the past quarter of a century (suck my cock, I'm rounding).

Earlier on today, Pam asked me what I would do if she killed herself. Thank god I wasn't on Skype. Some people don't know what it's like to actually survive something. "Oh, my parents suck"; all parents do. My mom used to beat me... I recall getting hit with a towel rod, and a few moments later having a pencil jammed into the side of my head. Yeah, your parents sent you to your room... cry me a fucking river you goddamn silver spoon licking cunt.

I wish I could pass off the manifestations of my agony onto someone else for just a minute. Lately everything seems to be so hard. I think back to people I used to know. Rachel is getting married soon... Sam is happy in a relationship. Here I am; 3 years and change from when Tanya and I broke up; still single. What am I waiting for at this point? I know that the timing is all wrong; but for fucks sake...

My paranoia has been getting worse. I've been seeing things. Not really delusions; just... shadows. No voices, just shadows.

My past has been kicking my ass the past few weeks... I tell myself that things will be better soon. I just need to keep my grades up; keep working on getting a job; keep trying to be something to someone; keep biting back whatever it is that is trying to manifest itself in me; keep learning; keep doing anything... just don't listen to the inner monologue. Whatever you do, don't listen to that little voice inside you.

My pain is turning psychosomatic in nature. I get chills, twitch slightly... my memories are becoming more acidic as time goes on. They eat at me. The memories of all the people that were once close to me that I hurt are racing through my mind... I'm biting back tears, I'm biting back feeling...

I'm not sure if I want it to stop, or to be later, or to just be over.

I miss my past. I wish you'd all just love me.

"I'm drowning here; Please, anyone...
I don't think I can save myself." -- How to Destroy Angels- Drowning
repeat x4

struct Slave
int nAge = 24.82 // years
int nHeight = 176 // cm
int nNumber = 6634 // State approved id code

cout << "Damien is " << Damien.nAge << " Years old \n" << nHeight << " centimeters tall \n" << nNumber << " and is called by that number by his corporate overlords. Despite what he tells himself, he is not okay, he is not going to get better, this is not something he can talk his way out of.";
cout << endl;

return 0;

(Yell to the future)